I contacted the Siren of Spin herself, Kellyanne Conway, and asked why billionaires are going to be in charge of shaping America for the next four years. Her reply was remarkably on point.
“Few people understand the problems of ordinary Americans like billionaires do,” she said. “Most people who reach billionairehood are thinking hard, deep and often about ordinary people, and how to make more money off of them. Many billionaires employ thousands of working Americans, regular Joes who learn to survive on sustenance wages and work overtime for free in order to hang on to the American dream, which billionaires inspire them by living.”
So, putting billionaires in charge means high-paying jobs will return from overseas, as Trump promised?
“Of course. Who better to bring good jobs back to America than the people who exported them in the first place?”
This guy, Wilbur Ross, the future Commerce Secretary, doesn’t seem to have much many more qualifications to be in the Cabinet other than being Trump’s neighbor.
“Well, that’s a funny story. Donald was playing golf with him one day, and Ross said, ‘If I make par on this hole, will you make me Commerce Secretary?’ Well, the President-elect said sure, why not? Damn if that duffer didn’t manage a par-4. My boss does not break promises to his billionaire friends, unlike regular people that contract with him or banks that lend him money, so Ross has Commerce.”
Betsy DeVos, on the other hand, the future Secretary of Education, has quite an extensive record on public education. She is firmly against it.
“Mr. Trump will be the School Voucher President. More people will be able to send their kids to private Christian schools, where they will learn that making abortion illegal again is far more important to America than them having Social Security or Medicare when they get old.”
But even the Deputy Secretary jobs are going to people like the owner of the Chicago Cubs.
“Hah! The Cubbies thought they were having a good year, until Mr. Trump came along. But you, like a typical member of the fraudulent liberal media, are ignoring Donald’s other, non-billionaire Cabinet picks. What about Dr. Ben Carson for Housing and Urban Development?”
He seems stunningly unqualified, to be honest with you.
“Nonsense. Carson knows plenty about housing. The man has lived indoors almost his whole life. Plus, it is important to Mr. Trump that he starts healing the terrible racial divide in this country that was caused by us having a black President. The first step is having a white President, which Mr. Trump will be proud to be, but the second step is showing that he is willing to work with black people, particularly black people like Dr. Carson, who agree with the white people who think that all of black people’s problems in this country are basically their own fault.”
Plus, he’s the only black guy Trump really knows.
“Nonsense. He knows Don King, too.”
Rumor has it that Mitt Romney might be Secretary of State.
“Naw. Mr. Trump is not going to let his most important Cabinet member be someone who has way better hair than him. When is Romney going to be Secretary of State? When he gets a frigging bowl cut, that’s when.”