After reading that on the Internet last week, I knew what was in store for me. Sure enough, my computer made that burbling Skype noise and the face of God appeared on the screen.
“Tell Lindsey Graham to get My Name out of his mouth,” He told me.
I had a feeling You weren’t going to be happy about the Senator saying that.
“That mealy-mouthed peckerhead took a solemn oath to Me and violated it like it was a porn star in a fantasy dungeon. But, really, I don’t mind that so much—you should hear the shit people promise Me, especially when they’re getting chased by packs of wolves or they get diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Rush Limbaugh’s swearing to Me he’s giving up Oxy, booze, and Viagra, and also donating his Presidential Medal of Freedom to Greta Thunberg as We speak. ‘Probably should have quit the cigars instead,’ is what I plan to tell him before I put him on the Slip ‘n Slide to Hell.”
So, you do judge everyone personally?
“For My sake, no. I plan to be polishing a couple of exoplanets when Graham shows up here. No way I want to meet that guy. He makes My immortal skin crawl. Most days I leave the judging to someone else.”
“That’s a big fat NO. Jesus claims he’s saving all of His judging skills for the final one. He flat-out refuses to raise one judging finger until then. It’s actually a problem finding an adequate substitute for Me, but what do you expect? I put Mother Mary in charge, everyone gets in. I put the Holy Ghost on duty, and nobody gets in. He’s just one bitter all-powerful Being. Don"t know why He's so twisted--we shared the same upbringing, being blown out of the Big Bang and being in charge of the whole Universe from the get-go, but there you have it.
"Usually I let a couple of random angels do the job. Sometimes a committee of Einstein, Galileo and Darwin. That raises the general intelligence quotient around here is what I find. And when Morgan Freeman makes it to the Gates, the job is his on a permanent basis.”
What do you think Graham means when he says letting Trump off the hook is ‘not going to be on the top of my list?’
“What do I THINK? My child, I KNOW. That’s one of the truly bodacious things about being Me. It’s the teenage black boys.”
Graham consorts with underage male prostitutes?
“When he can. Mostly, he just hides in the bushes around outdoor basketball courts and touches himself.”
Jesus—oh, sorry, My Lord—but that’s disgusting.
"Well, that’s Lindsey Graham. And don’t worry about the blasphemy—I take Jesus' name in vain plenty Myself. He’s always shirking His job, and the way He keeps Joan of Arc as a side chick on Mary Magdalene really annoys His Mother, but you can’t pick your family, you know. But you can pick your friends, and Lindsey Graham ain’t gonna be one of Mine.”