This is a fairly strong position, to say the least, but we’re not going to argue about it here. If it is necessary for the preservation of America to waterboard a diminutive, mild-mannered, 80-year-old man until he stops exclaiming “Oh, my goodness,” and starts speaking Mandarin, let’s get on with it.
The little problem standing in the way of God’s will re Dr. Fauci is that Guantanamo is currently under the supervision of Fauci’s boss, Joe Biden, and Joe is not likely to order his chief medical adviser there for a long weekend of Cuban sunshine and physical torture. Matt Gaetz’s zipper has a better chance of staying untouched at a high school dance.
How can the President defy the will of Wiles? Because, according to another spokesperson for Christianity, Mario Murillo, the head of Mario Murillo Ministries, an organization that probably exists for the sole purpose of funneling money to Mario Murillo, Joe Biden is surrounded by a Demonic Hedge of Protection, which, one assumes, is maintained by The Landscapers from Hell, a largely Spanish-speaking force of imps who specialize in greenscaping services for people like Biden, who are too busy doing Satan’s work to mow their own lawns.
Dr. Fauci no doubt labors behind the Demonic Hedge every day and is immune to Wile’s plans for him.
The Demonic Hedge reminds deep-thinking theologians like myself of the Prayer Shield that Christians liked to erect around Trump when he was President, and leads me to wonder: Which is the better fortification, a Demonic Hedge or a Prayer Shield? Let’s compare.
Prayer Shields are erected by Prayer Warriors, sincere beggars of the Almighty, who pause their beseeching of the heavens only long enough to give their debit card numbers to people like Wiles and Murillo. Prayer Shields, despite all the braggadocio about their invulnerability, obviously can’t keep you from getting impeached twice or having a virus sweep you out of office. They can’t keep you from spelling stuff on Twitter comically incorrectly. Hey, they can’t even keep you on Twitter.
The Hedge, on the other hand, can make a 78-year-old stutterer seem calm and coolly Presidential, give him a handle on a vaccination deal that promises to have us all at a beach party by summer, and lets him hand out free money, so that we can all enjoy living on tax-exempt cheese, like Wiles and Murillo already do.
So, right now, we’re giving the edge to the Demonic Hedge. Stay tuned.