God appeared to me again the other day. Not in person, but via Zoom, the way He has manifested Himself to me ever since the pandemic started. “And that’s the way it’s going to stay,” He told me in an aside. “Me, Jesus, even Mother Mary are going to appear virtually from now on. Mary bitched about it, but I told her, ‘Hey, even peasant children all have iPhones now. All that burning bush and weeping statues shit is so pre-millennial.”
Mostly, though, the Creator of the Universe wanted to talk about Donald Trump, Jr. “You tell that greasy little peckerhead to keep My name out of his yabbering mouth!” He said emphatically.
So, you deny destroying a mural of George Floyd via lightning bolt to send a message to humanity?
“Hell, yeah. First off, I don’t do lightning bolts—that’s Zeus, that crazy old Greek show-off. Secondly, if I was in the habit of destroying monuments to correct moral ambiguities, there wouldn’t be a Confederate general on a stone horse left south of the Mason-Dixon line. Thirdly, all this is part of My plan. I made George Floyd a very large black man with a substance abuse problem so it was inevitable that he’d be an angry white cop magnet. I made Derek Chauvin a sadistic murderer.”
And you made Donald Trump, Jr.
“Yeah. Why did I do that?”
Umm—it’s part of Your plan?
“Must be, although even I get lost in the details of that thing now and then. Why would I need an unctuous, insensitive, spoiled twerp like Trump, Jr.? I work in mysterious ways, sure, but why would I create such an obvious waste of human life? To make Eric look useful by comparison, maybe? I mean, I do have a plan for the whole Universe, but sometimes the details elude even Me. I have an archangel that keeps track of that shit for Me. It’s on a spreadsheet around here somewhere. Also, tell Trump Jr. to quit calling himself a builder when he can barely stick two Legos together.”
“Just let that grubby little prick know I’ve got more important things to do. I just collapsed a condo tower in Florida, remember? And flooded a good portion of Western Europe.”
Yeah. Why do you do stuff like that?
“Condominiums are creations of Satan. That’s pretty obvious to anybody who thinks about them. And I put Belgium underwater to remind people to never live in a country so small I can flood the whole thing. You know who’s laughing his ass off about that?
“You got it, bud. Nice talking to you.”