The discovery of the Higg's Boson, the so-called "God" particle, happened last week, or didn't happen last week, depending on what set of physicists you listen to, as a result of research performed at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland.
I independently confirmed the existence of the "God" particle in my son's sock drawer at about the same time. This location, generally so full of yellowed, holed, scrunched up tube socks and the odd pair of well-worn BVD's that it cannot be fully closed, was being eyed by myself with the idea of remonstrating with my boy in regards to its filthy, overcrowded and vaguely odiferous condition, when I noticed a faint halo of subatomic particles in one corner.
Grabbing an electron microscope I had purchased at a yard sale, I focused on the nebula of glowing gluons. It was easy to see that they were God particles, and a wide variety of them at that. While most looked like conventional versions of God, little guys wearing big beards, white robes and carrying stone tablets they kept trying to give away, there were many other varieties. Some wore tiny winged hats, some were carrying giant hammers, and some had too many arms and legs.
I called my friend Dr. Sigmund Boyd, the only physicist in the world who lives in a trailer park, which happens to be the one next to mine. He confirmed that the particles in the sock drawer were, indeed, Higg's bosons.
"I'm not surprised," he said. "Certain mathematical models have always predicted that Higg's bosons would be attracted to sweaty rayon."
But what are they doing there?
"Hiding, probably. Your boy's sock drawer seems unpleasant to us, but remember these guys are used to being whirled around in particle accelerators and smashed into each other at the speed of light…secreting themselves away in a musty drawer sounds good to them."
What was the whole point of building the Large Hadron Collider in the first place, then? Just so physicists could have something to argue over?
"Well, that was important. But mostly we built it because Large Hadron Colliders are like cherry-red Camaros—really, really cool. Chicks love them. And we called it the Large Hadron Collider just to let those girls know our Hadron Collider is hanging, so they won't waste their time with guys who have small colliders."
I guess we can close the whole thing down now, or turn it into an underground NASCAR track.
"Hardly. Many theoretical particles besides the God particle are still waiting to be discovered. There's the Politician particle, the Votin' Boson, the Hot Celebrity Woman particle, the Smokin' Boson, the NRA particle, the Gun-Totin' Boson, the Overpaid Professional Athlete particle, the Chokin' Boson and the Drug Informant particle, the Narc Quark."
It sounds like physicists are trying to prove that everybody's made of different stuff.
"But we're all made of bosons. We theoretical physicists may yet be able to prove one of those old sayings that has been passed along from one generation to another for thousands of years."
Which one is that?
"Never forget you're unique, just like everybody else."
I independently confirmed the existence of the "God" particle in my son's sock drawer at about the same time. This location, generally so full of yellowed, holed, scrunched up tube socks and the odd pair of well-worn BVD's that it cannot be fully closed, was being eyed by myself with the idea of remonstrating with my boy in regards to its filthy, overcrowded and vaguely odiferous condition, when I noticed a faint halo of subatomic particles in one corner.
Grabbing an electron microscope I had purchased at a yard sale, I focused on the nebula of glowing gluons. It was easy to see that they were God particles, and a wide variety of them at that. While most looked like conventional versions of God, little guys wearing big beards, white robes and carrying stone tablets they kept trying to give away, there were many other varieties. Some wore tiny winged hats, some were carrying giant hammers, and some had too many arms and legs.
I called my friend Dr. Sigmund Boyd, the only physicist in the world who lives in a trailer park, which happens to be the one next to mine. He confirmed that the particles in the sock drawer were, indeed, Higg's bosons.
"I'm not surprised," he said. "Certain mathematical models have always predicted that Higg's bosons would be attracted to sweaty rayon."
But what are they doing there?
"Hiding, probably. Your boy's sock drawer seems unpleasant to us, but remember these guys are used to being whirled around in particle accelerators and smashed into each other at the speed of light…secreting themselves away in a musty drawer sounds good to them."
What was the whole point of building the Large Hadron Collider in the first place, then? Just so physicists could have something to argue over?
"Well, that was important. But mostly we built it because Large Hadron Colliders are like cherry-red Camaros—really, really cool. Chicks love them. And we called it the Large Hadron Collider just to let those girls know our Hadron Collider is hanging, so they won't waste their time with guys who have small colliders."
I guess we can close the whole thing down now, or turn it into an underground NASCAR track.
"Hardly. Many theoretical particles besides the God particle are still waiting to be discovered. There's the Politician particle, the Votin' Boson, the Hot Celebrity Woman particle, the Smokin' Boson, the NRA particle, the Gun-Totin' Boson, the Overpaid Professional Athlete particle, the Chokin' Boson and the Drug Informant particle, the Narc Quark."
It sounds like physicists are trying to prove that everybody's made of different stuff.
"But we're all made of bosons. We theoretical physicists may yet be able to prove one of those old sayings that has been passed along from one generation to another for thousands of years."
Which one is that?
"Never forget you're unique, just like everybody else."
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