God particles of various denominations
The God particle was back in the news last week, as physicists announced it had definitely been discovered, as opposed to them kind of thinking it had sort of been discovered. The physicists making the announcement sounded vaguely disappointed in their discovery, saying the particle behaved like "a standard model Higgs Boson" (their term for the GP) instead of the dazzling, shape-shifting, all revealing God Particle they were hoping to find, a particle that would open the door to other universes and validate string theory.
I contacted Dr. Sigmund Boyd, the only theoretical physicist in the world who lives in a trailer park, which happens to be the one next to mine. He was happy to comment. "Yeah, reading between the lines, I'd say there was a lot of melancholy binge drinking going on at the Big Collider Bar & Grill this weekend," he said.
Why's that? Didn't these guys find what they were looking for?
"Yes, but it wasn't cool enough. They went looking for the key to the Universe and they found the key to a bus station locker. They were looking for a diamond and they found cubic zirconium. They were looking for Kate Upton and they found Snooki. They were…"
I get the picture. What did the Higgs Boson turn out to be like?
"It's just another tiny lump of stuff whirling around out there. In fact, the whole Universe seems to consist of lumps of stuff whirling around. You look at the sky through a telescope, and it just seems to be a bunch of stuff. Turns out, it is."
Some scientists must have already suspected that was going to be the case.
"Yeah, but you know us scientists. We're dreamers. The string theory guys are probably taking it pretty hard."
What is string theory, anyway?
"Instead of the Universe being just lumps of stuff, it's really clumps of string. Some string physicists even theorize everything will end when a Big Pussy appears out of an alternate universe and starts playing with the balls of string."
That's really weird.
"Hardly the weirdest theory out there. Most people aren't aware of the Ball Pit Theory of existence, which holds that the entire Universe is a ball pit at a hyper-dimensional fast-food restaurant and derives its energies from gigantic children jumping into it from outside of the space-time continuum. Or the Cow Gas Theory, which holds that the Universe was blown as a gaseous excretion from an otherworldly unguent, and we are all just molecules from that fart. "
Instead of the Big Bang it was the Big Toot?
"Exactly. The billions of years we are experiencing inside of our universe are mere seconds in the world of the Great Cow, and as soon as the breeze picks up in that unimaginably vast meadow, our universe will be scattered before that scented zephyr. Tough break for us, but I imagine it will come as a relief to anyone standing in the grass nearby."
I'm pretty relieved discovering the God particle won't prove that theory.
"You and me both. Turns out the GP won't prove anything. Nada, zip, zilch. We physicists are thinking of re-nick-naming it. I mean, it's a nice particle, but it's not divine. It does give everything mass, but that's about it. We could call it the Chunky Particle, or the Fat Schoolyard Bully Particle, or the Why Don't You Go on a Diet and Hit the Gym Particle, and we'd be more accurate."
Kind of a demotion for the God gluon, then?
"Oh, yeah. It's been Plutoed, all right."
I contacted Dr. Sigmund Boyd, the only theoretical physicist in the world who lives in a trailer park, which happens to be the one next to mine. He was happy to comment. "Yeah, reading between the lines, I'd say there was a lot of melancholy binge drinking going on at the Big Collider Bar & Grill this weekend," he said.
Why's that? Didn't these guys find what they were looking for?
"Yes, but it wasn't cool enough. They went looking for the key to the Universe and they found the key to a bus station locker. They were looking for a diamond and they found cubic zirconium. They were looking for Kate Upton and they found Snooki. They were…"
I get the picture. What did the Higgs Boson turn out to be like?
"It's just another tiny lump of stuff whirling around out there. In fact, the whole Universe seems to consist of lumps of stuff whirling around. You look at the sky through a telescope, and it just seems to be a bunch of stuff. Turns out, it is."
Some scientists must have already suspected that was going to be the case.
"Yeah, but you know us scientists. We're dreamers. The string theory guys are probably taking it pretty hard."
What is string theory, anyway?
"Instead of the Universe being just lumps of stuff, it's really clumps of string. Some string physicists even theorize everything will end when a Big Pussy appears out of an alternate universe and starts playing with the balls of string."
That's really weird.
"Hardly the weirdest theory out there. Most people aren't aware of the Ball Pit Theory of existence, which holds that the entire Universe is a ball pit at a hyper-dimensional fast-food restaurant and derives its energies from gigantic children jumping into it from outside of the space-time continuum. Or the Cow Gas Theory, which holds that the Universe was blown as a gaseous excretion from an otherworldly unguent, and we are all just molecules from that fart. "
Instead of the Big Bang it was the Big Toot?
"Exactly. The billions of years we are experiencing inside of our universe are mere seconds in the world of the Great Cow, and as soon as the breeze picks up in that unimaginably vast meadow, our universe will be scattered before that scented zephyr. Tough break for us, but I imagine it will come as a relief to anyone standing in the grass nearby."
I'm pretty relieved discovering the God particle won't prove that theory.
"You and me both. Turns out the GP won't prove anything. Nada, zip, zilch. We physicists are thinking of re-nick-naming it. I mean, it's a nice particle, but it's not divine. It does give everything mass, but that's about it. We could call it the Chunky Particle, or the Fat Schoolyard Bully Particle, or the Why Don't You Go on a Diet and Hit the Gym Particle, and we'd be more accurate."
Kind of a demotion for the God gluon, then?
"Oh, yeah. It's been Plutoed, all right."
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