Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum, in interview, explains his opposition to abortion even in the event of rape, by advising pregnant rape victims to ""just make the best of a bad situation," and explains that the unborn child of their rapist is a "broken gift" from God. Huffpost, 1/23
RICK SANTORUM is loosening his tie, alone in an anonymous hotel room after campaigning all day. A HEAVENLY CHOIR begins to sing. GOD appears.
HIM: Rick! Rick Santorum, my son.
SANTORUM: Turn off that awful music! I've been out grubbing for votes in the sweatiest strip malls in Florida for days. God knows I need some peace and quiet!
HIM: Of course I know that, Rick. I know everything. If it's peace and quiet you want, I can fix that up for you real quick, though if you plan to spend eternity with Me, you'd better get used to My taste in music.
SANTORUM: (falling to knees) My Lord! Forgive me!
HIM: I've been following the campaign, Rick my son. As you know, I originally called four of My followers to run for the Republican nomination this year. You're the only horse I've got left in this race, now that Bachmann, Perry and that black fellow have dropped out.
SANTORUM: I prayed for them, My Father.
HIM: I heard your prayers, Rick. You prayed for them to screw up.
SANTORUM: And my prayers were granted!
HIM: That was more of a clerical error. Listen, Rick, about this "broken gift" thing…
SANTORUM: But it is Your will, Heavenly Father, that a child conceived in rape should have a right to life!
HIM: And have his mother look at his little baby face every morning and see the face of her attacker? Well, yeah, it is. Eternity is a long time, and that's the kind of random shit that gets me through the days. You're not wrong, Rick my son. I just want you to soften up the message a little. You're at 9% in the polls.
SANTORUM: But I thought the broken gift concept was a stroke! In fact, I was going to use it next Christmas by giving my kid a jar full of lug nuts or something like that instead of another four hundred dollar cell phone like he got last Christmas, and tell him it was a broken gift, just like You would give him.
HIM: Nix on that, Rick.
SANTORUM: But Valentine's Day is coming up…
HIM: I said no.
SANTORUM: I don't want to be argumentative here, My Father, but the broken gift thing explains a lot of Your doings. Take that tsunami, or the Holocaust. They were broken gifts, because all those victims didn't have to suffer here anymore! They were swept up to Heaven!
HIM: Not necessarily, Rick, because they were mostly Jews and Buddhists.
SANTORUM: Oh. Well it gave them the opportunity to convert before they were wiped out, so that's a good thing. I mean, even if they just yelled "Jesus Christ!" when they saw that big wave coming, that counts, doesn't it?
HIM: We've got the lawyers working on that one, Rick.
SANTORUM: Father, one thing I have been wondering…why did You let Obama become President in the first place?
HIM: Ok, now you can talk broken gift.
RICK SANTORUM is loosening his tie, alone in an anonymous hotel room after campaigning all day. A HEAVENLY CHOIR begins to sing. GOD appears.
HIM: Rick! Rick Santorum, my son.
SANTORUM: Turn off that awful music! I've been out grubbing for votes in the sweatiest strip malls in Florida for days. God knows I need some peace and quiet!
HIM: Of course I know that, Rick. I know everything. If it's peace and quiet you want, I can fix that up for you real quick, though if you plan to spend eternity with Me, you'd better get used to My taste in music.
SANTORUM: (falling to knees) My Lord! Forgive me!
HIM: I've been following the campaign, Rick my son. As you know, I originally called four of My followers to run for the Republican nomination this year. You're the only horse I've got left in this race, now that Bachmann, Perry and that black fellow have dropped out.
SANTORUM: I prayed for them, My Father.
HIM: I heard your prayers, Rick. You prayed for them to screw up.
SANTORUM: And my prayers were granted!
HIM: That was more of a clerical error. Listen, Rick, about this "broken gift" thing…
SANTORUM: But it is Your will, Heavenly Father, that a child conceived in rape should have a right to life!
HIM: And have his mother look at his little baby face every morning and see the face of her attacker? Well, yeah, it is. Eternity is a long time, and that's the kind of random shit that gets me through the days. You're not wrong, Rick my son. I just want you to soften up the message a little. You're at 9% in the polls.
SANTORUM: But I thought the broken gift concept was a stroke! In fact, I was going to use it next Christmas by giving my kid a jar full of lug nuts or something like that instead of another four hundred dollar cell phone like he got last Christmas, and tell him it was a broken gift, just like You would give him.
HIM: Nix on that, Rick.
SANTORUM: But Valentine's Day is coming up…
HIM: I said no.
SANTORUM: I don't want to be argumentative here, My Father, but the broken gift thing explains a lot of Your doings. Take that tsunami, or the Holocaust. They were broken gifts, because all those victims didn't have to suffer here anymore! They were swept up to Heaven!
HIM: Not necessarily, Rick, because they were mostly Jews and Buddhists.
SANTORUM: Oh. Well it gave them the opportunity to convert before they were wiped out, so that's a good thing. I mean, even if they just yelled "Jesus Christ!" when they saw that big wave coming, that counts, doesn't it?
HIM: We've got the lawyers working on that one, Rick.
SANTORUM: Father, one thing I have been wondering…why did You let Obama become President in the first place?
HIM: Ok, now you can talk broken gift.
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