Giuliani made another startling admission on Fox and Friends this morning, when he revealed that he was a heavy user of medical marijuana. “I had just toked off a major fattie when the President asked me to be his lawyer,” he said. ‘I could practically see the smoke from my spliff form into the word ‘Cool,’ when I exhaled and accepted.
“I mean, I had nothing going on for me. After the campaign, I should’ve gotten a job in Trump’s cabinet, but Jeffie Sessions blackballed me—you know how he feels about stoners. I wouldn’t have been the only one—Betsy De Vos forgot to tie up her yacht the other day because she was completely baked, and Ben Carson only bought that $30,000 desk because he had burned a sherm before going furniture shopping, but Sessions always hated me the most, maybe because once when he told me, ‘Good people don’t smoke marijuana,’ I replied, ‘Fuck you, ya midget.’
“I was splitting the rent on a double-wide with another retired guy named Dave in Boca Raton, just burning through my stash and thinking America, which I was once the mayor of, had forgotten my existence, when Trump came through with the defense lawyer gig. I told him I’d be proud to take it, even though Trump told me that he had already called several attorneys whose pictures he had seen on public transportation and they had turned him down.
“Been on the job ever since. I was toasting a bud of Kush just the other day when I started staring at a word on my computer screen—you know how you do that sometimes, stare at a word until it doesn’t make sense anymore? Well, you know what that word was? COLLUSION!
“So, the whole Mueller thing is illegitimate. I’m going to use the rational person defense, which is that’s the conclusion any rational person would come to, especially after they had fired up some nugget. Say, that plate of loaded nachos off the set—anybody gonna eat that?”