Buffalo Bills wide receiver Cole Beasley made what he called a “Public Service Announcement” the other day. Here it is in its entirety:
"Everyone — Hi, I'm Cole Beasley and I'm not vaccinated!... I will be outside doing what I do," Beasley added. "I'll be out in the public. If your (sic) scared of me then steer clear, or get vaccinated. Point. Blank. Period. I may die of covid, but I'd rather die actually living."
As someone who has been fully vaccinated, and is actually living in the hellscape of being immune to serious Covid, I feel an obligation to reach out to poor frightened Cole, and let him know that, while my life has been rendered a pale shadow of what it was before I was vaccinated, I nonetheless survive, in a vapid, regretful kind of way.
Some of the jab’s alleged side effects don’t affect me much, Cole. I’m not magnetized. Silverware doesn’t fly out and stick to me when I walk past the utensil tray at a buffet. I would regret getting the shot much more if steak knives and salad forks attached themselves to me instead of lying placidly on my napkin the way they did before I got immunized, and, thank Jesus, still do.
I don’t shed genetic material on other people, either. Unless they buy me a couple drinks first, and make it obvious they want some of my genetic material. I’m sure that happens to you Cole, way more often than it happens to me. Is that why you want other people to get vaccinated, buddy? So they won’t be afraid to have random sex with you when you and the rest of the Buffalo Bills are on the road? I feel you, bro.
Yeah, Bill Gates and George Soros now know when I touch myself. I figured Bill Gates did already, by keeping track of when I logged on to Pornhub through Windows, so no big deal.
Are you afraid your man-bun might unravel, as a side effect from being vaccinated? I can’t assure you it won’t. I haven’t had enough hair to manage a man-bun since I was your age, but the vaccine hasn’t affected my hair situation one way or another. The most I could manage in the way of a stupid hairstyle would be to let my fringe grow out and put it in a pathetic little ponytail, which is the only male hair arrangement that manages to look dumber than a man-bun. I could do that, to show solidarity with you, my man.
I know you’re not a chickenshit, Cole. And I don’t feel superior to you because when I went to college, I managed to learn the difference between “you’re” and “your.” You play a sport where every time you catch the ball, a 240-pound mass of steroided muscle playing linebacker or a swift cornerback brimming with hatred from his abused childhood, or both of them, will try and separate every single one of your vertebrae from each other.
No, you’re no coward, Cole, but retiring is probably a good idea.
Sounds like you’ve had enough concussions already.
"Everyone — Hi, I'm Cole Beasley and I'm not vaccinated!... I will be outside doing what I do," Beasley added. "I'll be out in the public. If your (sic) scared of me then steer clear, or get vaccinated. Point. Blank. Period. I may die of covid, but I'd rather die actually living."
As someone who has been fully vaccinated, and is actually living in the hellscape of being immune to serious Covid, I feel an obligation to reach out to poor frightened Cole, and let him know that, while my life has been rendered a pale shadow of what it was before I was vaccinated, I nonetheless survive, in a vapid, regretful kind of way.
Some of the jab’s alleged side effects don’t affect me much, Cole. I’m not magnetized. Silverware doesn’t fly out and stick to me when I walk past the utensil tray at a buffet. I would regret getting the shot much more if steak knives and salad forks attached themselves to me instead of lying placidly on my napkin the way they did before I got immunized, and, thank Jesus, still do.
I don’t shed genetic material on other people, either. Unless they buy me a couple drinks first, and make it obvious they want some of my genetic material. I’m sure that happens to you Cole, way more often than it happens to me. Is that why you want other people to get vaccinated, buddy? So they won’t be afraid to have random sex with you when you and the rest of the Buffalo Bills are on the road? I feel you, bro.
Yeah, Bill Gates and George Soros now know when I touch myself. I figured Bill Gates did already, by keeping track of when I logged on to Pornhub through Windows, so no big deal.
Are you afraid your man-bun might unravel, as a side effect from being vaccinated? I can’t assure you it won’t. I haven’t had enough hair to manage a man-bun since I was your age, but the vaccine hasn’t affected my hair situation one way or another. The most I could manage in the way of a stupid hairstyle would be to let my fringe grow out and put it in a pathetic little ponytail, which is the only male hair arrangement that manages to look dumber than a man-bun. I could do that, to show solidarity with you, my man.
I know you’re not a chickenshit, Cole. And I don’t feel superior to you because when I went to college, I managed to learn the difference between “you’re” and “your.” You play a sport where every time you catch the ball, a 240-pound mass of steroided muscle playing linebacker or a swift cornerback brimming with hatred from his abused childhood, or both of them, will try and separate every single one of your vertebrae from each other.
No, you’re no coward, Cole, but retiring is probably a good idea.
Sounds like you’ve had enough concussions already.
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