The recent discovery that an Italian chain pastry shop had been able to hack into the swing states’ electoral system, and “mistakenly” counted every cannoli sold in Rome on November 3rd as a vote for Biden, led to the mass resignation of the Democratic President and all his staff, enabling Trump’s return to power.
The problem of hogs in the heavens made the Re-Inauguration a solemn affair, however, with the Secret Service holding hastily-engineered umbrellas made of reinforced chain mail over the Inaugural party in case a flock of sky swine broke through the ring of helicopters and fighter jets protecting DC and, quite literally, pooped on Trump’s parade.
“Man, I miss bird shit,” Trump quipped, in one of the few lines in his Re-Inaugural speech that drew a laugh.
When asked what the new Administration would do about the issue of aviating bacon, Trump shrugged and said it was the states’ problem, despite the fact that the windbound ham was no respecter of state lines—pigs plainly branded as belonging to Iowa farms have been observed eating garbage in Central Park. Other facets of the crisis—the national corndog shortage, and the disappearance of America’s beloved BLT’s from diner menus sea-to-shining sea, were similarly dismissed by Trump. “It will all go away,” he said. “In a month or two, the economy will rebound. Pigs will discover they don’t care for flying and will return to the stockyard. Not until after they’ve crapped all over Liz Cheney, I hope, but it’s gonna happen.”
Dr. Beppo Fauci, previously little-known brother of Dr. Anthony Fauci, and the head scientist at the National Pork Institute, expressed doubts about this eventuality. “Flying pigs are very unlikely to give up their opportunities to suck Slurpees out of 7-11 dumpsters and raid supermarket loading docks for their cornucopia of produce to return to eating corn every day and waiting for the inevitable spike in the head that will turn them into something labeled Farmer John,” the swine scientist said.
Rumors in Washington say Trump will soon unveil yet another branch of the Armed Services, this time called the Hog Force. The purpose of this branch, already nicknamed “The Pork Chop Busters,” will be to herd all of the pigs aloft over America over the wall into Mexico, where, hopefully, they’ll be made into chorizo.