Rudy “Breaking the Law Is Not Necessarily a Crime” Giuliani was uncharacteristically quiet through Saturday. Some sources said Giuliani had vowed to take “the high road” in regards to the impeachment inquiry. Others noted that Giuliani wouldn’t recognize the high road if he was lying face down on it, and said he had been confined to the WH basement, ordered to strip down to his boxers and dance around a pentangle while waving a wand to which an infant skull was attached, in hopes of casting a curse on Biden. All he managed to wangle out of the dark gods was a heart attack for Bernie Sanders, so he’s still at it.
Attorney General Bill “Is There Any Pie Left?” Barr was investigating rumors of a “Biden University” where people were swindled out of their money by promises that they, too, could become genial old politicians with high name recognition just by paying their tuition.
Secretary of State Mike “No, I Finished Off the Pie” Pompeo was also busy, contacting nations that his boss hadn’t thought of yet to try and prod them into investigating Hunter Biden’s activities within their borders. “Venezuela,” he was heard muttering to himself. “We could offer to quit calling them socialists if they have video of the Biden kid peeing on a wall, or something. Iran—they can have their nukes if they can reveal that Hunter used to visit Tehran just to hug as many Ayatollahs as he could. Cuba--more cruise ships for them and cigars for us if they can give us proof that Hunter Biden illegally brought in baseball players from Havana to strengthen the Delaware Blue Hens for the Triple-A playoffs.”
Meanwhile President “Tangerine Turdbite” Trump, after reviewing plans to have an actual Sharknado blowing next to the Wall, was seeking to change Biden’s nickname from “Uncle” to “Stone Cold Crooked,” by tweeting that the Bidens had taken ‘billions’ out of China by securing valuable trademarks the very same day they had lunch with Chinese President Xi.
He had to delete the Tweet later on when his daughter Ivanka Tweeted back, “Silly Daddy, that was me.”