Because you're probably going to need a reservation Noted theologian Ken Ham took time off from his regular job, which is building a full-scale replica of Noah's Ark in Kentucky, last week to unleash this Biblical bombshell--all extraterrestrials are going to Hell.
Mr. Ham said this in order to discourage us from looking for alien life. He reasons that while the sin of Adam reverberated through the universe, blotching up its entire 26 quiptillion light-year expanse with evil, when Jesus covered mankind's history of unholy transgressions by getting crucified, the effects were only felt here on Earth.
It is up to Ham's laboratory, which was already grappling with the issue of what kind of saddles cavemen used to ride dinosaurs, to let us know how this is scientifically possible. Their leading conjecture is that apple that Adam bit into was loaded with subatomic sin particles (sintrinos) that propagated throughout the universe instantly, damning all of it to perdition before he swallowed his first mouthful, whereas apparently there weren't enough Higgs Bosons, or God particles, at the Last Supper to radiate salvation much above the stratosphere.
Whatever the source of this apparent miscalculation, the implications are huge. First, Heaven is much more scaled-down than originally thought. The majority of humans, not being Christians, aren't going to be there to crowd it up, and which few of Ham's fellow Christians are going to be admitted is a closely-kept secret. Possibly only people who have bought tickets to Ken's Creation Museum, also in Kentucky, are getting in. This means Heaven doesn't have to be much bigger than a largish amusement park, which would make keeping it clean and perfect forever much easier.
Hell, on the other hand, has to be truly vast. Not only are the souls of most humans going there, but every alien soul that ever hatched, coagulated out of a scary mist or budded off from its mother in the entire Universe is going to be bunking down there for all eternity as well. I'm thinking it's got to be at least the size of a galactic cluster.
The other conclusion that can be drawn from these recent revelations is that Mr. Ham is offering those scientists searching for ETs a valuable timesaver. Why bother scouring the electromagnetic spectrum hoping to catch an alien reality show or shooting star probes off randomly when, if you want to meet aliens, all you have to do is die and go to Hell, which most of us will effortlessly accomplish anyway?
When Mr. Ham first tossed this scriptural grenade, the thoughts of many of us went to the alien life forms with which we were personally acquainted, and oddly enough, his theology didn't seem quite so unbelievable. I mean, Predators and Aliens are obviously going to Hell. They seem to be from there in the first place, so it's home sweet home for them. Wookies and Klingons? They have their good points and bad points, but you'd hardly call them saints.
The legendary Captain Kirk, who treated the universe as his personal bachelor party during the first run of Star Trek, is obviously hell-bound and while he is human, many of the space tramps he had intergalactic intercourse with were not. They'll be frying by his side, along with gigantic cockroaches and crab people wearing spacesuits.
These creatures belong in Hell. But what about those Close Encounter guys and those cute little people who lived in a bus station locker in Men in Black? ET, for God's sake, glowing healing fingertip and all? Are they all doomed to bake in the wood-fired pizza oven of Hell forever? I was beginning to have my doubts, and expressed them to my Significant Other. She agreed.
"What about Uncle Martin in My Favorite Martian?" she said. "Way too nice to go to Hell."
"I hadn't even remembered him," I said. "Wow, you're old."
So now I'm living in hell.
Mr. Ham said this in order to discourage us from looking for alien life. He reasons that while the sin of Adam reverberated through the universe, blotching up its entire 26 quiptillion light-year expanse with evil, when Jesus covered mankind's history of unholy transgressions by getting crucified, the effects were only felt here on Earth.
It is up to Ham's laboratory, which was already grappling with the issue of what kind of saddles cavemen used to ride dinosaurs, to let us know how this is scientifically possible. Their leading conjecture is that apple that Adam bit into was loaded with subatomic sin particles (sintrinos) that propagated throughout the universe instantly, damning all of it to perdition before he swallowed his first mouthful, whereas apparently there weren't enough Higgs Bosons, or God particles, at the Last Supper to radiate salvation much above the stratosphere.
Whatever the source of this apparent miscalculation, the implications are huge. First, Heaven is much more scaled-down than originally thought. The majority of humans, not being Christians, aren't going to be there to crowd it up, and which few of Ham's fellow Christians are going to be admitted is a closely-kept secret. Possibly only people who have bought tickets to Ken's Creation Museum, also in Kentucky, are getting in. This means Heaven doesn't have to be much bigger than a largish amusement park, which would make keeping it clean and perfect forever much easier.
Hell, on the other hand, has to be truly vast. Not only are the souls of most humans going there, but every alien soul that ever hatched, coagulated out of a scary mist or budded off from its mother in the entire Universe is going to be bunking down there for all eternity as well. I'm thinking it's got to be at least the size of a galactic cluster.
The other conclusion that can be drawn from these recent revelations is that Mr. Ham is offering those scientists searching for ETs a valuable timesaver. Why bother scouring the electromagnetic spectrum hoping to catch an alien reality show or shooting star probes off randomly when, if you want to meet aliens, all you have to do is die and go to Hell, which most of us will effortlessly accomplish anyway?
When Mr. Ham first tossed this scriptural grenade, the thoughts of many of us went to the alien life forms with which we were personally acquainted, and oddly enough, his theology didn't seem quite so unbelievable. I mean, Predators and Aliens are obviously going to Hell. They seem to be from there in the first place, so it's home sweet home for them. Wookies and Klingons? They have their good points and bad points, but you'd hardly call them saints.
The legendary Captain Kirk, who treated the universe as his personal bachelor party during the first run of Star Trek, is obviously hell-bound and while he is human, many of the space tramps he had intergalactic intercourse with were not. They'll be frying by his side, along with gigantic cockroaches and crab people wearing spacesuits.
These creatures belong in Hell. But what about those Close Encounter guys and those cute little people who lived in a bus station locker in Men in Black? ET, for God's sake, glowing healing fingertip and all? Are they all doomed to bake in the wood-fired pizza oven of Hell forever? I was beginning to have my doubts, and expressed them to my Significant Other. She agreed.
"What about Uncle Martin in My Favorite Martian?" she said. "Way too nice to go to Hell."
"I hadn't even remembered him," I said. "Wow, you're old."
So now I'm living in hell.
Add to: Facebook | Digg | Del.icio.us | Stumbleupon | Reddit | Blinklist | Twitter | Technorati | Yahoo Buzz | Newsvine
RSS Feed
