Want to know what it's like to be stuck in a small room in Russia? Ask Edward Snowden. Or Pussy Riot EDWARD SNOWDEN, American whistleblower, spy, termed traitor by some, hero by others, for his revelation of the NSA's secret surveillance of American citizens' phone calls and Internet communications, is sitting in the transition area of the Moscow airport, as he has been for several days. Weary from travel and from having no place to sleep except a stiff-backed plastic airport chair, he is pleading with a RUSSIAN OFFICER.
SNOWDEN: So when am I getting out of here, dude? I've been stranded in an airport before, but at least Denver had a Pizza Hut.
RUSSIAN OFFICER: In almost a very little time. Where do you want to have go?
SNOWDEN: I told you, Cuba then Ecuador.
RUSSIAN OFFICER: They are having much bad weather in Ecuador. Snow in Andes. All flights canceled.
SNOWDEN: Snow? In Ecuador? It's on the equator, man. It doesn't snow there.
RUSSIAN OFFICER: Very unusual, yes. We are having to fly in snowplows from Kamchatka to clear runway.
SNOWDEN: Well, just get me to Cuba then, bro. Next flight out, okay? A man can only duty-free shop for so long. Do you know if Cuba has a modern system of literary agents? I got a book in me that's just kickin' to get out, if you know what I mean.
RUSSIAN OFFICER: All books in Cuba are published by the state, which means they are all glorious! Also, authors get paid in glory.
SNOWDEN: I was thinking cash.
RUSSIAN OFFICER: Plenty of time to make decision, because Havana airport close also! Big fog.
SNOWDEN: Now, wait a minute! I lived in Hawaii! There's no fog in the tropics!
RUSSIAN OFFICER: Havana tropical paradise just like Hawaii! Only have bigger fog problem. Why not stay here Russia?
SNOWDEN: No thanks, dude. I'm just passing through. This place creeps me out. Besides, I'm an international symbol of freedom. I couldn't settle down in a place that used to have the KGB.
RUSSIAN OFFICER: Ah, KGB! My old job! But in Russia, no KGB! That was bad old Soviet Union! I don't miss her! Now get paid in real money! All Russia is free now. We don't put peoples in jail for speaching against state. Unless your name is Pussy Riot!
SNOWDEN: Yeah, what was that all about?
RUSSIAN OFFICER: They no like Putin. But you like Putin, nyet? (Not waiting for an answer) Because Putin like you. Unless you are gay. Gay is illegal in freedom-loving Russia. But you are not gay, because you have girlfriend in Hawaii. And she real girfriend, kind girlfriend you go bunga-bunga with, yes? Not fake girlfriend because you are gay?
SNOWDEN: (Embarrassed) Yes, but I don't think it's any of your business. In the US, gay people are free. They can even marry some places.
RUSSIAN OFFICER: Funny time play patriotism card, comrade dude. Here's deal. In Russia, we no listen to everybody's phone calls and monitor everybody's Internet. We think privacy very important, unlike United States. We think freedom very important. We think spying on all citizens very repugnant. We going to ask you to do one thing before liberty-loving Russian Fatherland let you go.
SNOWDEN: What's that?
RUSSIAN OFFICER: Tell us how you do it.
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