Judge Barrett, wondering what you're doing in there. It looks like today will be the day that Amy Coney Barrett will be rammed into that eager wet vacancy on the Supreme Court, without having to answer a single question about how she feels about the First Amendment right to log on to Pornhub.
Having the religious beliefs equivalent to those of a cloistered nun, as she has demonstrated in her speeches and her belonging to a cult of Catholic nuts, I think we may safely assume that ABC is anti-porn. She is the antithesis of the Horny Step-Mom, The Horny Step-Sister, the Friend’s Hot Mom and all the other characters that are rolling around on the first page of that invaluable website just this morning. I checked for you.
So, when Amy becomes one of the Nine, and has the power to squeeze her fingers around the giant hose of porn that currently spews out of the Internet, do you think she’s going to hesitate?
And, fellow guys, it will be our fault. We males voted for the Republicans that thrust her willingly onto the bench. “She likes guns,” they told us, and we got excited, because we like guns, too. “She’s against abortion,” they whispered, and while we were not excited about that so much, it’s not really our problem. Besides, so what if we have to drive a little further to take our girl to an abortion clinic if we knock her up? We love long road trips. We even love long road trips with pregnant women, until we find out what they’re like when we actually have to take one.
Some of us here grew up in a Catholic household in the sixties, before porn became the pillar of American culture that it is today, and know what a porn-free existence can be like. It means seeking inspiration for private fun from the bra-and-panty section of the Sears catalogue. Only it will be even worse now, because there is no more Sears catalogue.
“Hold on,” I hear you saying. “She’s only one of the Supremes. There’re guys on the court, too. Brett Kavanaugh for one. You know that dude loves porn even more than he loves beer.”
Granted. For sure Brett has spent some time sitting bare-assed on his computer chair. Clarence Thomas, too, has the exhausted, contented look of a guy who can barely tear himself away from RedTube long enough to go to work. But I’m not sure about those other guys. And what about the girls? Pretty sure Sotomayor cares more about immigrant kids than she does about your high-speed connection to greaseyourpole.com.
So, we American men may have gotten ourselves into a tight spot, and not in the satisfying porn sense of that expression. Amy is an originalist, which means she believes in the Constitution as it was originally written, and there was no porn in America when the Constitution was written. You had to go to Europe to find it back then, and even there it was just a bunch of statues and paintings of women with big breasts and men with small penises.
Some of us are going to be okay. We have women, and while that doesn’t stop us from double-clicking on porn once in a while, if porn disappears, we’ll manage. But some of us don’t. I’m looking at you types that don’t understand why women don’t go for overweight guys who wear nothing but hunting camis and pack a gun and a couple extra clips of ammo every time they go into a 7-11 to buy some beef jerky. Without porn, these guys have got nothing. If Barrett bans porn, they’re looking into the abyss of sexual frustration.
For you incels, I have a suggestion. Just carry a picture of ABC in your wallet. If your urge becomes overwhelming, just pull out the pic and stare into those maniacal blue eyes.
Chances are, that feeling will go away.
Having the religious beliefs equivalent to those of a cloistered nun, as she has demonstrated in her speeches and her belonging to a cult of Catholic nuts, I think we may safely assume that ABC is anti-porn. She is the antithesis of the Horny Step-Mom, The Horny Step-Sister, the Friend’s Hot Mom and all the other characters that are rolling around on the first page of that invaluable website just this morning. I checked for you.
So, when Amy becomes one of the Nine, and has the power to squeeze her fingers around the giant hose of porn that currently spews out of the Internet, do you think she’s going to hesitate?
And, fellow guys, it will be our fault. We males voted for the Republicans that thrust her willingly onto the bench. “She likes guns,” they told us, and we got excited, because we like guns, too. “She’s against abortion,” they whispered, and while we were not excited about that so much, it’s not really our problem. Besides, so what if we have to drive a little further to take our girl to an abortion clinic if we knock her up? We love long road trips. We even love long road trips with pregnant women, until we find out what they’re like when we actually have to take one.
Some of us here grew up in a Catholic household in the sixties, before porn became the pillar of American culture that it is today, and know what a porn-free existence can be like. It means seeking inspiration for private fun from the bra-and-panty section of the Sears catalogue. Only it will be even worse now, because there is no more Sears catalogue.
“Hold on,” I hear you saying. “She’s only one of the Supremes. There’re guys on the court, too. Brett Kavanaugh for one. You know that dude loves porn even more than he loves beer.”
Granted. For sure Brett has spent some time sitting bare-assed on his computer chair. Clarence Thomas, too, has the exhausted, contented look of a guy who can barely tear himself away from RedTube long enough to go to work. But I’m not sure about those other guys. And what about the girls? Pretty sure Sotomayor cares more about immigrant kids than she does about your high-speed connection to greaseyourpole.com.
So, we American men may have gotten ourselves into a tight spot, and not in the satisfying porn sense of that expression. Amy is an originalist, which means she believes in the Constitution as it was originally written, and there was no porn in America when the Constitution was written. You had to go to Europe to find it back then, and even there it was just a bunch of statues and paintings of women with big breasts and men with small penises.
Some of us are going to be okay. We have women, and while that doesn’t stop us from double-clicking on porn once in a while, if porn disappears, we’ll manage. But some of us don’t. I’m looking at you types that don’t understand why women don’t go for overweight guys who wear nothing but hunting camis and pack a gun and a couple extra clips of ammo every time they go into a 7-11 to buy some beef jerky. Without porn, these guys have got nothing. If Barrett bans porn, they’re looking into the abyss of sexual frustration.
For you incels, I have a suggestion. Just carry a picture of ABC in your wallet. If your urge becomes overwhelming, just pull out the pic and stare into those maniacal blue eyes.
Chances are, that feeling will go away.
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