Before that, I just regarded it as a tremendous boon for Entertainment Tonight. We have found out some interesting things, but they were things we suspected all along, like George Clooney being a pretty cool, funny guy and Alex Trebek being a dick, and that many high-powered Sony executives can't spell.
We also found out that when you are a white big shot and make mildly racially insensitive remarks about Obama, you have to apologize to Al Sharpton. The President is too busy being the leader of the Free World to be apologized to. We understand that, but when did he appoint Al Sharpton to be his Apology Czar? And why? Al does have the wardrobe for it, I admit, but why couldn't Obama get someone a little warmer and fuzzier to accept his mea culpas? Although not Bill Cosby anymore.
North Korea officially denies involvement in the hack, but the Guardians of Peace, the name the hackers give themselves, have threatened next to launch terror attacks against all American movie theaters that screen "The Interview,' despite there being more of them than I have dollars in my IRA, just to prevent American film audiences from seeing the Chubby Leader portrayed as a hapless, violent fat-ass who deserves to die. It doesn't take a CIA torture-fest to figure out who benefits from that.
What troubles me is could I be next? There has been no shortage of cheap shots at the Great Grain-Fed One in this column over the years, like this one and this one. The GOP (another indication that the Guardians of Peace come from far away—you'd have to be from North Korea not to realize that there was already a fairly well-known political organization that already went by that acronym here) could be parked in the driveway as I type this, hacking into my router and preparing to do an info dump on my personal scandalous behavior all over the Internet. There's only one thing to do—damage control. Many public figures follow this route, on the theory that if you admit your personal foibles freely, they can't be held against you. Here goes:
I pay my cell phone bill at least a week late every month, just because they let me get away with it.
I have never affixed the front license plate to my car, as required by California state law.
I am Facebook friends with seven ex-girlfriends, which is one number higher than the number of women I have officially admitted to my current girl that I have ever been with.
I broke a mouse by throwing it against the wall the last time my computer told me my password was "weak."
If I can't quite remember how to spell a word, I sometimes type in an approximation of it and let spell-check take over. Later, I hate myself for it.
I feel intense shame for all of these failures and I apologize to everybody, everywhere for them. I hope the North Koreans will see that there is no point in spreading my biz all over the Net after those revelations. I am more worried about a terrorist attack. Even if it fell short of attempted murder, it could damage my interests. Just slashing the tires on my car would represent a serious financial reversal.
And now, more breaking news from the Sony hack. Apparently Channing Tatum wrote an email that consisted of little more than the expression "F-you," followed by fifty lines of the onomatopoeic expression for laughter, "haha," unspaced, in all caps. This is a distinct intellectual underachievement, Channing, even for someone who has to stop thinking and have sex with yet another person who wants him a couple times an hour.
You need to be more like George Clooney. But then, don't we all?