When he cast the energy-efficient light bulbs into the waste bin of history, Trump made it personal. He blamed the little fluorescents for his famous skin tone. “They make me look orange,” he said of the banished bulbs.
Most observers have blamed Trumps orangeousity on an addiction to tanning beds or tanning sprays. Or just the fires of hell lightly seeping through his skin from the soul he sold to Satan in order to win the last election. But what if he’s right?
I don’t really remember when the new light bulbs started appearing on hardware store shelves, let alone when we were required to use them, but it was a while back. I don’t think I look particularly oranger now than I did then, I think, despite Trump’s claim that energy saver’s “make everybody look orange.”
But there could be more insidious side effects. I look a shit-ton older now than I did then. I just blamed it on the natural process of aging and my drinking habit, but what if it was the light bulbs all along?
And I could stand to lose a few pounds. Not sixty, like Trump, but if I dropped ten, it would really make my abs pop out. What if I could achieve the same appearance by going back to Stone Age light bulbs rather than going on some dull, beer-free diet? Making the ladies swoon wins hands-down over a few hundred thousand endangered critters any day.
It wouldn’t really matter to me because, like Trump, by the time global warming is really starting to kick humanity’s ass like a last-second field goal, I’ll be dead. The only way to get Trump to care about the future of the Earth is to invent that live-forever pill. In fact, it’s dead solid certain that the approval by the FDA of the live-forever pharmaceutical would turn every single global warming skeptic into a radical environmentalist.
Trump is no exception. Even-make that especially-if he is the only one who can afford it, he’ll suddenly become greener than he is now currently orange, and in his own lazy, generally incompetent way, work to save the planet for himself. For our kids, too, but their survival would only be an accident.
And will he take credit for reinstating all those environmental standards he relaxed and cleaning up all the pollution he encouraged? You betcha! Because that’s the way he rolls. And he’ll start saying at his rallies, “If I can live forever, why can’t I be President forever?”
President in Perpetuity—just thinking about that probably would make his mushroom sprout bigger than his daily Viagra.
So if one of you drug manufacturers out there is working on the LFP, just one request from me…just release it after Trump’s dead, willya?