I knew all the best dirty words, I thought. Even though I’m about to sail out of middle age, my wildly misspent youth had given me a firm grasp of the slang of sex and scatology. Often, I amuse my girl and my beer-drinking buddies with my ability to rip off an impressive series of synonyms for either male or female genitals whenever prompted. My grasp of invective is truly impressive. Cut me off in traffic or knock over my beer and you’ll find out how profound it is.
Yet I can no longer take pride in it. Apparently, nominees for the Supreme Court have even more bottomless vocabularies in the vernacular of sex, drinking and puking, as per the writings of Kavanaugh.
I knew many of the expressions, of course. “Ralphing” is old school, as old as “talking to the toilet,” “going to Europe,” “praying at the altar of the porcelain god,” and “blowing donuts.” “FFFF,” which I first heard from a fifth-grader named Jimmy, means “Find ‘em, feel ‘em, fuck ‘em and forget ‘em.” I heard it when was at an age when I had never accomplished any of those feats. Probably Jimmy hadn’t either, but he could talk a better game than me. And talking sex with other young men has always been at least as important to youths as getting sex. It’s a lot easier, for one.
I had never heard of “boofing,” however. After Googling it, I’m still too uncertain to use it, although it definitely does not mean farting, as the wannabee Supreme has it. It means either anal sex, or ingesting alcohol through the anus. Possibly it means both. To “boff” someone has always meant to have sex with them, so I guess using “boof” provides an important distinction when bragging about one’s accomplishments in that field.
“Boofing” as a method of ingesting alcohol strikes me as sloppy, smelly and unnecessarily difficult. There almost has to be special equipment involved, and who’s going to clean that stuff afterwards when you are all boofed-up? Certain shapes of beer bottles would probably fit in the cavity without needing additional clamps or tubing. People do show up at emergency rooms with beer bottles broken off in their asses. Now we know what they’ve been doing. Boofing.
It’s nothing I would ever even consider, unless the only beer I had to consume was Bud Light.
“The Devil’s Triangle” was another expression I had never used, and Google informed me that it meant two guys having sex with one girl at the same time, and trying not to look at each other while doing it. If you consider the possible ways two guys can have sex with one girl at the same time, you can see how difficult this would be short of using blindfolds. Kavanaugh and his buddies may well have used blindfolds, because of the implied icky cloying gayness involved in being very close to another guy having sex, which most hetero teenage males would find uncomfortable.
Or maybe not—after all, they’ve been shooting beer up each other’s asses, which almost inevitably would lead to some light spanking.
Whether Kavanaugh makes it to the high court or not, he’s at least boosted the average American’s vocabulary a couple notches. That might be his sole accomplishment, though.
I hear the FBI is out to boof him.
Yet I can no longer take pride in it. Apparently, nominees for the Supreme Court have even more bottomless vocabularies in the vernacular of sex, drinking and puking, as per the writings of Kavanaugh.
I knew many of the expressions, of course. “Ralphing” is old school, as old as “talking to the toilet,” “going to Europe,” “praying at the altar of the porcelain god,” and “blowing donuts.” “FFFF,” which I first heard from a fifth-grader named Jimmy, means “Find ‘em, feel ‘em, fuck ‘em and forget ‘em.” I heard it when was at an age when I had never accomplished any of those feats. Probably Jimmy hadn’t either, but he could talk a better game than me. And talking sex with other young men has always been at least as important to youths as getting sex. It’s a lot easier, for one.
I had never heard of “boofing,” however. After Googling it, I’m still too uncertain to use it, although it definitely does not mean farting, as the wannabee Supreme has it. It means either anal sex, or ingesting alcohol through the anus. Possibly it means both. To “boff” someone has always meant to have sex with them, so I guess using “boof” provides an important distinction when bragging about one’s accomplishments in that field.
“Boofing” as a method of ingesting alcohol strikes me as sloppy, smelly and unnecessarily difficult. There almost has to be special equipment involved, and who’s going to clean that stuff afterwards when you are all boofed-up? Certain shapes of beer bottles would probably fit in the cavity without needing additional clamps or tubing. People do show up at emergency rooms with beer bottles broken off in their asses. Now we know what they’ve been doing. Boofing.
It’s nothing I would ever even consider, unless the only beer I had to consume was Bud Light.
“The Devil’s Triangle” was another expression I had never used, and Google informed me that it meant two guys having sex with one girl at the same time, and trying not to look at each other while doing it. If you consider the possible ways two guys can have sex with one girl at the same time, you can see how difficult this would be short of using blindfolds. Kavanaugh and his buddies may well have used blindfolds, because of the implied icky cloying gayness involved in being very close to another guy having sex, which most hetero teenage males would find uncomfortable.
Or maybe not—after all, they’ve been shooting beer up each other’s asses, which almost inevitably would lead to some light spanking.
Whether Kavanaugh makes it to the high court or not, he’s at least boosted the average American’s vocabulary a couple notches. That might be his sole accomplishment, though.
I hear the FBI is out to boof him.
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