Ron DeSantis, who is right now basking in kudos from the Republican Party for allowing Delta to sweep through Florida quicker than Lauren Boebert can peel off her jeans, is exciting party honchos who have their doubts that Trump will be around to win in 2024.
All spoke on condition of anonymity, since they’re all still so afraid of Trump that they wear adult diapers in case he demands they crap themselves in public, but all agreed. “Health, for one thing,” they said. “There’s only so many cheeseburgers you can eat sitting on your ass in a golf cart and survive. And Trump may not want to stay healthy, since nothing delays the start of a trial like a heart attack or a stroke. Nobody’s going to drag you down to Atlanta and try you for election interference when you’re drooling into a tube in a Jersey hospital. And demanding your DNA to settle some silly rape accusation when you're circling the drain is just plain bad taste.”
“What we’ve got in this boy DeSantis is a more perfect Trump.”
“Trump with an attention span, if you will,” interrupted another.
“The Covid numbers in Florida, which are going up faster than Matt Gaetz’s dick at a junior prom, really excite the big money guys. DeSantis is showing us he can be as completely indifferent to general human suffering as Trump, while staying keenly attuned to the problems of people who own vacation homes in Italy.”
“I’ll say. True, Florida is oozing with the virus, swimming in a red tide and just waiting to get pummeled by the usual autumn parade of hurricanes, but DeSantis is focused on the foreign border.”
“Which Florida doesn’t have.”
”Yes, but the concept of infected immigrants crossing the border and straightaway hopping a bus across half the country to Florida just so they can breathe in the faces of elderly retirees is just so marvelously hate-filled and wrong. The base is going to eat that up like a mountain of ribs briefly dipped in the blandest barbecue sauce on the market.”
“I’m tingling all over just thinking about it. True, DeSantis doesn’t have a personality like Trump, not that Trump has a good personality—biggest jerk at the country club pretty accurately describes it—but DeSantis is more like an invasive lizard basking in the Florida sun, pausing his slow blinking only to gobble up the occasional fly flicked his way by Fox News.”
“The guy can be pretty dull. And his wife looks like she hasn’t even had one tit job yet. But if the Democrats fake up another seven, eight million votes to win the Presidency again in ’24 and we need to storm the Capitol again, Ron DeSantis won’t be cobbling together a bunch of deranged, unphotogenic losers to overthrow the government like Trump did. He’ll use the Florida National Guard, maybe disguised as Antifa.”
“They’ll gobble up democracy like an Everglades python.”
All spoke on condition of anonymity, since they’re all still so afraid of Trump that they wear adult diapers in case he demands they crap themselves in public, but all agreed. “Health, for one thing,” they said. “There’s only so many cheeseburgers you can eat sitting on your ass in a golf cart and survive. And Trump may not want to stay healthy, since nothing delays the start of a trial like a heart attack or a stroke. Nobody’s going to drag you down to Atlanta and try you for election interference when you’re drooling into a tube in a Jersey hospital. And demanding your DNA to settle some silly rape accusation when you're circling the drain is just plain bad taste.”
“What we’ve got in this boy DeSantis is a more perfect Trump.”
“Trump with an attention span, if you will,” interrupted another.
“The Covid numbers in Florida, which are going up faster than Matt Gaetz’s dick at a junior prom, really excite the big money guys. DeSantis is showing us he can be as completely indifferent to general human suffering as Trump, while staying keenly attuned to the problems of people who own vacation homes in Italy.”
“I’ll say. True, Florida is oozing with the virus, swimming in a red tide and just waiting to get pummeled by the usual autumn parade of hurricanes, but DeSantis is focused on the foreign border.”
“Which Florida doesn’t have.”
”Yes, but the concept of infected immigrants crossing the border and straightaway hopping a bus across half the country to Florida just so they can breathe in the faces of elderly retirees is just so marvelously hate-filled and wrong. The base is going to eat that up like a mountain of ribs briefly dipped in the blandest barbecue sauce on the market.”
“I’m tingling all over just thinking about it. True, DeSantis doesn’t have a personality like Trump, not that Trump has a good personality—biggest jerk at the country club pretty accurately describes it—but DeSantis is more like an invasive lizard basking in the Florida sun, pausing his slow blinking only to gobble up the occasional fly flicked his way by Fox News.”
“The guy can be pretty dull. And his wife looks like she hasn’t even had one tit job yet. But if the Democrats fake up another seven, eight million votes to win the Presidency again in ’24 and we need to storm the Capitol again, Ron DeSantis won’t be cobbling together a bunch of deranged, unphotogenic losers to overthrow the government like Trump did. He’ll use the Florida National Guard, maybe disguised as Antifa.”
“They’ll gobble up democracy like an Everglades python.”
RSS Feed
