If community college students in Oregon were more like this, Roseburg would have never happened
In the aftermath of the most recent mass shooting here in our ammo-loving nation, I had to consult with Wayne LaPierre, head honcho of the NRA, who explained exactly what went wrong in that Oregon classroom.
"Not enough guns. If everybody in the room had been packing heat, that loony would never have dared open fire. To all Americans who still have a majority of their marbles, I say this: Buy a rod and carry it. It only makes sense that if everybody did that, we'd eliminate the problem of gun violence in America."
Be a nice windfall for the gun and ammunition manufacturers that help bankroll the NRA, too.
"A small price to pay for national peace of mind."
But what about people who don't want to carry guns? I mean, a good girl with a gun, which I notice you never talk about, can always pack a cute low-caliber automatic in her purse, but what about men? Here in the beneficent climate of San Diego, we Southern California guys often wear nothing but shorts and sandals. Where are we going to conceal our gats?
"The ankle-holster flip-flop. Made for men who want to strap their equalizer in mild climates. Coming to the NRA store soon. Available in a variety of colors, in either standard flops or river sandals, with styles for both left-handed and right-handed draws."
Sounds like it would be kind of heavy. And wouldn't it tend to make you list to one side, especially after a few brews?
"We're talking about public safety here. Make the sacrifice. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun."
Interesting to hear you say that. There was a good guy with a gun in Roseburg. He stayed out of it. He wisely realized that even though he was concealing a permissible chiller, bolting into the middle of an 'active shooter scene,' which, in the charming language of cop-speak, actually refers to a mass murder in progress, would likely result in him getting shot either by the armed loony or the SWAT team sent to flush him out. So he stayed put and kept his chiller in his pocket.
"That guy wasn't a good guy with a gun. He was a sensible guy with a gun. Sensible guys with guns are useless. They start thinking about not getting shot themselves. What you need in places like Roseburg are good guys with guns. These are the guys who don't worry about being mistaken for a deranged gunman, or being shot by some criminal's accomplice, because that doesn't happen in their fantasies of omnipotence. They slip their guns in their waistbands every morning dreaming of bulleting a bad guy, becoming a hero, and maybe getting multiple attractive sex partners for it."
And deservedly so. When's that going to happen?
"One of these days, we hope. And when it does, I plan to never shut up about it."
"Not enough guns. If everybody in the room had been packing heat, that loony would never have dared open fire. To all Americans who still have a majority of their marbles, I say this: Buy a rod and carry it. It only makes sense that if everybody did that, we'd eliminate the problem of gun violence in America."
Be a nice windfall for the gun and ammunition manufacturers that help bankroll the NRA, too.
"A small price to pay for national peace of mind."
But what about people who don't want to carry guns? I mean, a good girl with a gun, which I notice you never talk about, can always pack a cute low-caliber automatic in her purse, but what about men? Here in the beneficent climate of San Diego, we Southern California guys often wear nothing but shorts and sandals. Where are we going to conceal our gats?
"The ankle-holster flip-flop. Made for men who want to strap their equalizer in mild climates. Coming to the NRA store soon. Available in a variety of colors, in either standard flops or river sandals, with styles for both left-handed and right-handed draws."
Sounds like it would be kind of heavy. And wouldn't it tend to make you list to one side, especially after a few brews?
"We're talking about public safety here. Make the sacrifice. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun."
Interesting to hear you say that. There was a good guy with a gun in Roseburg. He stayed out of it. He wisely realized that even though he was concealing a permissible chiller, bolting into the middle of an 'active shooter scene,' which, in the charming language of cop-speak, actually refers to a mass murder in progress, would likely result in him getting shot either by the armed loony or the SWAT team sent to flush him out. So he stayed put and kept his chiller in his pocket.
"That guy wasn't a good guy with a gun. He was a sensible guy with a gun. Sensible guys with guns are useless. They start thinking about not getting shot themselves. What you need in places like Roseburg are good guys with guns. These are the guys who don't worry about being mistaken for a deranged gunman, or being shot by some criminal's accomplice, because that doesn't happen in their fantasies of omnipotence. They slip their guns in their waistbands every morning dreaming of bulleting a bad guy, becoming a hero, and maybe getting multiple attractive sex partners for it."
And deservedly so. When's that going to happen?
"One of these days, we hope. And when it does, I plan to never shut up about it."
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