The accused, thinking bad thoughts The Democratic Convention starts today and despite being warned not to, the Democrats seem intent on nominating Hillary Clinton for President. The just-concluded Republican National Convention nominated a man with skin the same shade as a Cheezit for the highest office in the land almost as an afterthought; what it really awarded was the title of Worst Human Being Who Ever Lived to Hillary Clinton. During the course of the convention Clinton was accused of crimes as varied as starting the Syrian war singlehandedly (Republicans doubted any Syrian involvement with starting their own civil war), playing grab-ass with Boko Haram and cc’ing ISIS on all her State Department emails. She is in bed with Putin, the Iranians, Wall Street and Huma Abedin simultaneously. She worships Lucifer. She is married to a rapist. And Benghazi, Benghazi, BENGHAZI!
It’s as if Hillary wakes up every morning, slips out of her designer silk pajamas and into her powder-blue power pants suit and thinks “What’s the most purely evil act of depravity I can commit today?”
So she’s like me that way, except for the clothing choices. I’m flattered, even though I have to confess that I am easily distracted from nearly everything and often wind up forgetting my main purpose of doing foul deeds and end up drinking all day instead. I bet Hillary has a longer attention span.
If the Republicans were really serious about winning the election, which nobody believes they are, they would come up with more and better accusations. I’ve got 10 of them right here, which I just made up while the microwave heated up my lunch. It’s as easy as body-shaming Chris Christie.
TOP TEN THINGS THE GOP HAS NOT YET ACCUSED CLINTON OF DOING:
1. Kidnapping children and forcibly vaccinating them.
2. Ordering NASA to shut off its cameras every time they catch a UFO on film.
3. Killing Vincent Foster’s dog, too.
4. Using a public bathroom not assigned to her gender.
5. Bringing Edward Snowden his lunch every day when he worked at the NSA.
6. Knowing in advance that the Japanese were going to attack Pearl Harbor.
7. Eating Pop Tarts with wasabi mustard.
8. Being the only "woman" on Ashley Madison who is not a fembot.
9. Having a secret closet full of burkas ready for her declaration of Sharia Law Day once she’s President.
10. Owning panties with “Black Guys Matter” printed on the crotch.
It’s as if Hillary wakes up every morning, slips out of her designer silk pajamas and into her powder-blue power pants suit and thinks “What’s the most purely evil act of depravity I can commit today?”
So she’s like me that way, except for the clothing choices. I’m flattered, even though I have to confess that I am easily distracted from nearly everything and often wind up forgetting my main purpose of doing foul deeds and end up drinking all day instead. I bet Hillary has a longer attention span.
If the Republicans were really serious about winning the election, which nobody believes they are, they would come up with more and better accusations. I’ve got 10 of them right here, which I just made up while the microwave heated up my lunch. It’s as easy as body-shaming Chris Christie.
TOP TEN THINGS THE GOP HAS NOT YET ACCUSED CLINTON OF DOING:
1. Kidnapping children and forcibly vaccinating them.
2. Ordering NASA to shut off its cameras every time they catch a UFO on film.
3. Killing Vincent Foster’s dog, too.
4. Using a public bathroom not assigned to her gender.
5. Bringing Edward Snowden his lunch every day when he worked at the NSA.
6. Knowing in advance that the Japanese were going to attack Pearl Harbor.
7. Eating Pop Tarts with wasabi mustard.
8. Being the only "woman" on Ashley Madison who is not a fembot.
9. Having a secret closet full of burkas ready for her declaration of Sharia Law Day once she’s President.
10. Owning panties with “Black Guys Matter” printed on the crotch.
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