I felt it was my duty as a journalist to investigate the Deep State, so I made an appointment to meet with a representative of the DS in an underground garage in Washington, DC. He was, as I suspected he would be, a faceless bureaucrat, to the extent that he had had his face removed surgically and was forced to wear an Ace bandage wrapped around where it had been. His mummy-like appearance gave the interview a certain Marvel Comics atmosphere, which I appreciated.
“All hail Comey!” I began, thinking the former FBI director to be a hero of the Deep State.
“Screw Comey,” Deep State replied. “The head of the FBI should know when he should be wearing a wire.”
“You think Comey should have bugged the President of the United States?”
“Make our job easier. It’s not all sitting around, watching the pee tapes and passing the popcorn, you know.”
“So, you admit you’re trying to mess with Trump?”
“He forces us into it, man! Just this week, Trump finally said he would abide by NATO’s self-defense pledge.”
“Well, at least he did say it.”
“Two weeks late! What if your wife told you she loved you and you waited two weeks to say it back? Believe me, we’ve been cut off from any NATO nookie for a while. It’ll take months of kissing smelly European ass to get back to where we were with the Continent. And it’s up to us to do it. Trump’s not going to be saying sorry to anybody.”
“Yeah, we’ve all kind of noticed that.”
“Who knows who he’s going to go after next? I mean besides Australia, the Pope and a couple billion Muslims? I mean, who’s left?
“That’s only because he thinks Mexico is in South America so he’s done there. We work day and night to keep him from finding out it’s not.”
“He just kicked Cuba in the teeth, too. People say it’s just to spite Obama.”
“Wrong. He hates Cuba because Fidel nationalized all the golf courses there. Trump has nothing against dictators, as you probably know. But don’t mess with golf.”
“So you spend every day wondering who Trump is going to brown off next?”
Deep State sighed. “Pretty much. There’s only one thing we know for sure.”
“It ain’t gonna be the Russians.”