A scientist who worked for Lockheed Martin and held a top-secret security clearance has revealed, in a deathbed confession, that UFO's are real, that crashed alien spacecraft and dead aliens are indeed stored at Area 51, and that 18 aliens, some of whom are more that 250 years old, work for the US. government.
This news presents all sorts of problems, not the least of which is when were these aliens added to the government payroll? Since the US is only 238 years old, these otherworldly beings could have been cashing federal checks since 1776, which means they are going to be owed one hell of a pension payoff when they decide to jet back to Quintumnia, which is the planet where the deceased Lockheed person says they are from. It could be enough to wreck the federal budget. Also, besides being aliens, these creatures are also aliens. Crash-landing your photon-drive saucer in the desert should not put you on a pathway to citizenship, but so far there's been no public outcry about these outer space illegals flying over our porous southern border, ditching their gravity-powered space sleds and taking at least 18 government jobs away from native-born, English-speaking, work-seeking Americans.
These seem like natural Republican issues, and with an election a day away, you think the cries of outrage at the way Democrats have gone along with coddling the Quintumnians would echo long and loud from the GOP, but Republican elder statesmen are strangely silent about the alien invasion. Why? Let's go to the facts, which point in one damning direction--the Republican Party is led by aliens!
This news presents all sorts of problems, not the least of which is when were these aliens added to the government payroll? Since the US is only 238 years old, these otherworldly beings could have been cashing federal checks since 1776, which means they are going to be owed one hell of a pension payoff when they decide to jet back to Quintumnia, which is the planet where the deceased Lockheed person says they are from. It could be enough to wreck the federal budget. Also, besides being aliens, these creatures are also aliens. Crash-landing your photon-drive saucer in the desert should not put you on a pathway to citizenship, but so far there's been no public outcry about these outer space illegals flying over our porous southern border, ditching their gravity-powered space sleds and taking at least 18 government jobs away from native-born, English-speaking, work-seeking Americans.
These seem like natural Republican issues, and with an election a day away, you think the cries of outrage at the way Democrats have gone along with coddling the Quintumnians would echo long and loud from the GOP, but Republican elder statesmen are strangely silent about the alien invasion. Why? Let's go to the facts, which point in one damning direction--the Republican Party is led by aliens!
Skin color=dead giveaway John Boehner, Speaker of the House of Representatives—Alien! He credits tanning beds and golf for his leathery orange skin, thinking we're never going to find out that everybody on Quintumnia boasts that dermatological hue. His constant guzzling of wine and puffing on cigarettes are considered bad habits by earthlings, but they are necessary nutrition for his kind.
Check out the chin structure Mitch McConnell, Senate Minority Leader—Alien! Although a different species from Boehner, McConnell fits the dying Lockheed scientist's description of the aliens as "having no bones—just cartilage." McConnell masters the Senate because of his superior alien intelligence, having an auxiliary brain in each of his chins.
Only 36 inches tall This column always supports the concept of American exceptionalism, which is that Americans are better than everybody else just on the face of it. The aliens seem to as well, since they only deal with us, but what if they don't? If you are an alien who has hauled out 68 light years to check out a neighboring world, you might at first not have realized that the USA is the only important nation, and crash-landed in a lesser country and taken over that place as well. That's why our rival geopower, Russia, is led by a suspected alien who calls himself Vladimir Putin. It is a closely-held state secret that Putin is only thirty-six inches tall, which makes him likely to be a Ruruffian, a race of megalomaniacal aliens known for their invasive tendencies, short stature and dislike of upper body coverings.
Hardly anyone would quibble with the facts laid out here, but skeptics may well ask what about those other 16 aliens? Where do they fit, in the bloated Federal bureaucracy? Obviously, in the super-secret conspiracy department of the CIA. Human Americans would hesitate to launch an attack on Manhattan so it would seem like a good idea to invade Iraq, or kill a bunch of kids in Connecticut so the Feds would have an excuse to take away all Americans' guns, but aliens would be happy to do both of those things—they came here to experiment on us!
And there's probably a few in FEMA, building death camps we can be quarantined in case we don't all catch Ebola naturally. And when we're all herded there in a panic, thinking that trusting our government is the only way we're going to be saved from one disaster or another, you can count on one thing:
It's probin' time!
And there's probably a few in FEMA, building death camps we can be quarantined in case we don't all catch Ebola naturally. And when we're all herded there in a panic, thinking that trusting our government is the only way we're going to be saved from one disaster or another, you can count on one thing:
It's probin' time!
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