My first thought was How can you suspend someone from reality on A&E? Shouldn't they be doing that be on SyFy? Then I entertained a hope that A&E would carry out the suspension by using one of those blur-cams on Phil's face and make him talk in a helium voice whenever he appeared on screen.
My second thought was that I'd better watch an episode of Duck Dynasty before going off all unresearched here, so I decided to watch the show for as long as I could stand it, which turned out to be about fifteen minutes. The show is easy to find; if you hit the Channel guide button, just scroll down until you see a line that reads, in a series of little boxes DUCK DYNASTY DUCK DYNASTY DUCK DYNASTY. That will be A&E, which sometimes devotes entire programming evenings to America's favorite reality show.
That this show is America's favorite is indicative of a heartwarming trend for those of us who write fiction, because it is entirely pre-programmed, full of bearded dudes reading witticisms off teleprompters and hokey situations dreamed up by overpaid hacks. The only interesting thing about it are the one-syllabled names of some of the protagonists, names like Sep, Ji, Jep and Jase. I suppose it could be a common practice in the backwoods of Louisiana to give your man-children names that sound vaguely like they could be trigonometric functions ("Class, what is the Sep of Ji?"), thinking perhaps that would give them the air of one who actually finished high school.
The question is why this swamp fellow, full of cornpone and Jesus, chose to speak out against gay Americans in an interview with a magazine whose readership I would estimate to be at the minimum 70% gay? It's not like gay guys don't take one look at him already and cross the street to avoid him. I can't imagine why Mr. Robertson would put a lucrative career as a bearded icon on the line just to get chatty about anus. He did specifically say male anus, since he is no doubt well aware that many of his fans and neighbors regard a woman's providing recreational anus for her man as a necessary household chore.
All right, I admit that if I was pressed, I could imagine a few reasons. Here they are.
TOP TEN THINGS PHIL ROBERTSON MIGHT HAVE BEEN THINKING WHEN HE WAS BEING INTERVIEWED BY GQ:
1. Had just learned the words "anus" and "vagina" and was anxious to demonstrate his command of them, as opposed to using the terms for those cavities he had been using his whole life.
2. Thinks that his camouflage makes it difficult for other people to hear what he is saying.
3. Thinks that rampant homosexuality is a sign of moral decay. Thinks people sitting around so stoned they think his show is funny is a good idea.
4. "I'd better not mention gay girls—I don't want to lose that audience segment that is just watching Duck Dynasty while waiting for their lesbian porn to finish downloading."
5. Was not aware the interview was for GQ—thought it was for Field and Stream.
6. Was just feeling out the market for his new "decoy anus" product which would be deployed in gay bars.
7. Caught Jase with his hand on Ji's fly.
8. Caught Sep with his face in Jep's lap.
9. Still pissed that tying a bunch of fake ducks around your waist as a fashion statement has not yet caught on in the gay community.
And the Number One Reason:
LOOKIN' LIKE MOSES MEANS YOU GET TO ADD COMMANDMENTS IF YOU WANT TO!