Not a Republican A recent Pew Research Center poll found that at the present time, only 43% of Republicans believe in the theory of evolution. This number has gone down from 54% four years ago. I called my old friend, veteran political operator Joe Redstate, and asked him about this apparent drop in the number of rationalists who call themselves Republicans.
"It's a good thing," Joe said.
What, Republicans want people to drop out of their party?
"Yes, if they can't subscribe to the Five Principles of Modern Republicanism, we don't need them."
What are the five principles, Joe?
"Only a Democrat such as yourself would feign ignorance of them. We modern Republicans hold these truths to be self-evident—one, that the day every American packs a gun is the day that gun violence in America will cease, two, that letting poor people use the same health care providers as us is unconstitutional, three, that Mexicans immigrate here illegally to get welfare, four, that global warming isn't happening and five, neither did evolution.
Those are some principles, Joe.
"Believe in them or hit the road, Jack."
What would you say to a gat-packing, Mexican-detesting, self-insured, global warming denier who happens to believe in evolution? Can he still be a Republican?
"I'd say it's time to start disbelieving in evolution, buddy, or else go register with the Green Party. We don't need your kind around the GOP."
But all the scientists say that evolution happened, Joe.
"Here's the way a good Republican feels about scientists. When they are inventing stuff that helps us out, like microwaves so we can pop corn, TV so we can have FOX News, airplanes so our leaders can fly around the country frightening people into voting for them, or computer programs that help us determine that a certain birth certificate is fraudulent, then Republicans believe what scientists say. When they tell us things we don't want to hear, like global warming might make New Jersey disappear before Chris Christie can grab its electoral votes or that Republicans share a common ancestor with baboons, they're wrong."
Say you found out the doctor who cured your wife of cancer believed in evolution. How would you regard him, intellect-wise?
"Simple. When he cured the cancer, he was being a genius and when he believes in evolution he's being a moron. I don't know how any rational person could look at it any other way and still sleep soundly out night."
So whenever science makes a discovery, a Republican can decide whether he believes it or not?
"Absolutely. When scientists discover that white people invented lawns or that drilling for oil in national parks helps prevent earthquakes, I think Republicans will have no trouble hailing these advances. Unfortunately, scientists tend to discover things like polar bears can't tread water all summer or that life evolved from a bunch of random crap. When they do that, we Republicans have no choice but to say "Says who?"
So you can pick and choose what you believe about science? Sounds like what the Christians do with the Bible.
"Actually, we got the idea from those guys."
"It's a good thing," Joe said.
What, Republicans want people to drop out of their party?
"Yes, if they can't subscribe to the Five Principles of Modern Republicanism, we don't need them."
What are the five principles, Joe?
"Only a Democrat such as yourself would feign ignorance of them. We modern Republicans hold these truths to be self-evident—one, that the day every American packs a gun is the day that gun violence in America will cease, two, that letting poor people use the same health care providers as us is unconstitutional, three, that Mexicans immigrate here illegally to get welfare, four, that global warming isn't happening and five, neither did evolution.
Those are some principles, Joe.
"Believe in them or hit the road, Jack."
What would you say to a gat-packing, Mexican-detesting, self-insured, global warming denier who happens to believe in evolution? Can he still be a Republican?
"I'd say it's time to start disbelieving in evolution, buddy, or else go register with the Green Party. We don't need your kind around the GOP."
But all the scientists say that evolution happened, Joe.
"Here's the way a good Republican feels about scientists. When they are inventing stuff that helps us out, like microwaves so we can pop corn, TV so we can have FOX News, airplanes so our leaders can fly around the country frightening people into voting for them, or computer programs that help us determine that a certain birth certificate is fraudulent, then Republicans believe what scientists say. When they tell us things we don't want to hear, like global warming might make New Jersey disappear before Chris Christie can grab its electoral votes or that Republicans share a common ancestor with baboons, they're wrong."
Say you found out the doctor who cured your wife of cancer believed in evolution. How would you regard him, intellect-wise?
"Simple. When he cured the cancer, he was being a genius and when he believes in evolution he's being a moron. I don't know how any rational person could look at it any other way and still sleep soundly out night."
So whenever science makes a discovery, a Republican can decide whether he believes it or not?
"Absolutely. When scientists discover that white people invented lawns or that drilling for oil in national parks helps prevent earthquakes, I think Republicans will have no trouble hailing these advances. Unfortunately, scientists tend to discover things like polar bears can't tread water all summer or that life evolved from a bunch of random crap. When they do that, we Republicans have no choice but to say "Says who?"
So you can pick and choose what you believe about science? Sounds like what the Christians do with the Bible.
"Actually, we got the idea from those guys."
RSS Feed
