In an interview on “The Jim Bakker Show,” White claimed that she had been taken to heaven where God showed her new construction to cope with the recent surge of souls.
“God has commissioned builder angels to expand the size of heaven. He will make sure there is plenty of room for the new admissions.” says Paula.
In this ugly new world of fear, quarantine and plague, we are so lucky to have Paula directing our thoughts Heavenward, although apparently, she’s the only one who gets to go there and come back, like some divine commuter in Jesus's HOV lane. So, for those believers gasping their last on a respirator, there is the comfort of knowing that they are not going to be stuffed into tents or crammed into cages like common refugees when they reach the Pearlies. Right now, even as their blood oxygen is dropping to zero, hardhat angels are banging together Heavenly condos for them in a blizzard of lumber and drywall, barely pausing for a manna break.
Those of us who have been assured that our final destination is the fiery pit have cause to worry, though. Is Satan making his imps do the same? We can only hope so. Nobody wants to be crammed into Hell, which already has a bad reputation for creature comforts, without having an adequate opportunity to socially distance.
In the meantime, here on Earth, fossil fundamentalist Pat Robertson has had a revelation that the coronavirus is caused by oral sex, and not just any oral sex. According to Pat:
“Some of these young uns are doing all kinds of unnatural things with their sex organs,” said Robertson. “When people do that, they transfer all kinds of chemicals from ladies’ private parts and that’s where I think the virus came from. We never had this kind of thing when I was coming up. But no one was committing oral sex back then.”
Yeah, Pat, they were. You just missed out on it. But your revelation is a huge theological advance anyway. All of your fellow fundies are still blaming the virus on the usual suspects—God punishing us for gay marriage, fornication, transgender bathrooms, porn and masturbation. But you have put the sin spotlight on the one sex act that is commonly performed, with varying degrees of skill, by heterosexual men, who are generally the heroes in the Bible. And the virus is transmitted by lady chemicals, which is Robertson’s delicate description for vaginal secretions. If you want to be even less delicate, and we are capable of that here, cooze juice is full of corona.
Fortunately for guys, virus transmission is a one-way street. We’re not going to have to give up donating our man chemicals orally to the girls to stop the spread of the virus, so the men of Alabama and any other place where they take Robertson seriously can keep on begging for oral sex just like they always have.
Unfortunately for us hetero peeps, this is one logical explanation for men dying of the beer bug more than women. Lesbians ought to be taking a big hit, too. Has anybody checked on them?
So that’s it. The cure for coronavirus is cutting out the cunnilingus. No more slurping the clam, or nibbling the fur burger, or licking the carpet, or gobbling the snatch, or eating hair pie. Dining at the Y is out, as is munching muffin, chowing box, tonguing the beaver or mopping out the boner garage.
So that’s it, girls. We’ve got to keep our faces out of your naughty bits. Pat Robertson has spoken.
You’d better just hope nobody tells him about eating ass.