Fucking with us, they are End Times author Paul McGuire recently announced he had discovered the cause of the problems plaguing Trump’s great rambling clusterfuck of a Presidency. It’s not Trump’s troubled relationship with the truth, or his bottomless appetite for graft, or his inability to keep his zipper zipped around porn stars and Playmates, or just the fact that he is a pretty shitty guy who is also pretty shitty at his job.
It’s because he’s under attack by multidimensional Luciferian advanced beings (MLAB’s).
You’re snickering out there. But let me tell you, MLAB’s are no picnic. The girl and I had them in the garage, and it took two exorcists and a couple of pest control companies to finally get rid of them.
I’m kidding, of course. MLAB’s don’t bother with nearly unknown writers and their Significant Others. They head straight for the top, which is the White House. They love lurking around the corridors of power, giving crappy advice. Being from another dimension, they view screwing with this one as a fun, relaxing way to spend an interdimensional afternoon, just as you or I might enjoy a weekend pm polishing off an eighteen pack and shooting rats at the dump with a pellet gun.
I got in touch with McGuire, and he was eager to explain.
“Sure, multi-dimensional Luciferian beings are the reason behind a lot of Trump’s screwball decisions. Take the whole kids-in-cages deal. Lucifer hates kids, because you have to be a really bad kid to end up in Hell. All the kid souls condemned to eternal damnation are totally snotty little brats. Or you can be a Catholic kid who chewed gum before Communion. Lucifer really hates Catholics, too, on account of all the Popes he has to feed and house. Lucifer loves it when kids are separated from their parents and held behind chicken-wire, because he’s the Prince of Darkness and his tastes just run that way.
“The whole Denmark thing was a big coup for the White House multidimensional Luciferian advanced beings. Satan hates Denmark, because he got that song, 'Wonderful, Wonderful Copenhagen’ stuck in his head almost seven decades ago and he’s afraid it’s going to be there for all eternity. Eternity is a long time to listen to anything, let alone Danny Kaye rambling on about the virtues of some frozen, overpriced European capital. Hell’s boss sticks it to Denmark any time he can. I wouldn’t be surprised if Trump invades Greenland eventually, because the sight of American tanks rolling towards defenders only armed with harpoons made of narwhal tusks is the kind of thing that really makes everybody in the underworld say, “Hey, ROTFLMAO.
“And the dictators? You wonder why Trump loves to buddy around with the likes of Putin, Un, Duterte and anybody else that likes to shoot relatives and reporters? Well, they’re all going to end up in Hell eventually, and if there’s one thing Lucifer hates besides kids and Denmark, it’s making introductions.
"The infiltration of the White House by multi-dimensional Luciferian advanced beings has been so successful that nearly everyone who works there has his or her personal MLAB, working with them to tip their efforts to govern the US towards incompetence. Everyone except Kellyanne Conway."
Why not Kellyanne?
"Because she is one of them. Obviously. Duh."
It’s because he’s under attack by multidimensional Luciferian advanced beings (MLAB’s).
You’re snickering out there. But let me tell you, MLAB’s are no picnic. The girl and I had them in the garage, and it took two exorcists and a couple of pest control companies to finally get rid of them.
I’m kidding, of course. MLAB’s don’t bother with nearly unknown writers and their Significant Others. They head straight for the top, which is the White House. They love lurking around the corridors of power, giving crappy advice. Being from another dimension, they view screwing with this one as a fun, relaxing way to spend an interdimensional afternoon, just as you or I might enjoy a weekend pm polishing off an eighteen pack and shooting rats at the dump with a pellet gun.
I got in touch with McGuire, and he was eager to explain.
“Sure, multi-dimensional Luciferian beings are the reason behind a lot of Trump’s screwball decisions. Take the whole kids-in-cages deal. Lucifer hates kids, because you have to be a really bad kid to end up in Hell. All the kid souls condemned to eternal damnation are totally snotty little brats. Or you can be a Catholic kid who chewed gum before Communion. Lucifer really hates Catholics, too, on account of all the Popes he has to feed and house. Lucifer loves it when kids are separated from their parents and held behind chicken-wire, because he’s the Prince of Darkness and his tastes just run that way.
“The whole Denmark thing was a big coup for the White House multidimensional Luciferian advanced beings. Satan hates Denmark, because he got that song, 'Wonderful, Wonderful Copenhagen’ stuck in his head almost seven decades ago and he’s afraid it’s going to be there for all eternity. Eternity is a long time to listen to anything, let alone Danny Kaye rambling on about the virtues of some frozen, overpriced European capital. Hell’s boss sticks it to Denmark any time he can. I wouldn’t be surprised if Trump invades Greenland eventually, because the sight of American tanks rolling towards defenders only armed with harpoons made of narwhal tusks is the kind of thing that really makes everybody in the underworld say, “Hey, ROTFLMAO.
“And the dictators? You wonder why Trump loves to buddy around with the likes of Putin, Un, Duterte and anybody else that likes to shoot relatives and reporters? Well, they’re all going to end up in Hell eventually, and if there’s one thing Lucifer hates besides kids and Denmark, it’s making introductions.
"The infiltration of the White House by multi-dimensional Luciferian advanced beings has been so successful that nearly everyone who works there has his or her personal MLAB, working with them to tip their efforts to govern the US towards incompetence. Everyone except Kellyanne Conway."
Why not Kellyanne?
"Because she is one of them. Obviously. Duh."
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