The comparison with the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was not lost on Iranian Admiral Afshin Rezayee Haddad. "We intend to be more successful than the Japanese Navy," he said in an exclusive interview.
You're aware that at Pearl Harbor the Japanese attackers sunk 18 American warships and destroyed 189 military aircraft. You're going to do better than that with a destroyer and a helicopter carrier?
"Absolutely. You recall that after Pearl Harbor, the Japanese armed forces were destroyed completely, the Japanese homeland was the target of a nuclear attack and they were forced into a humiliating surrender within a few years? None of that is going to happen to Iran as a result of this mission. Especially the nuclear attack part. We Iranians are sensitive about that."
What is your fleet going to do to insure a successful outcome, then?
"We have sent our advanced warships and highly trained sailors into close-to-America waters with the following top-secret orders: One, try not to sink. Two, don't get lost in the Bermuda Triangle, either."
Hmm. How is the mission going so far?
"We have successfully floated past South Africa and are now proceeding vigilantly north. All of our crewmen have been instructed to keep their decks clean and their beards groomed so they look nice in the 75,000 or so surveillance photos we anticipate American spy satellites will be taking of us as we approach the North American continent. Once there, we know Americans will lie in sleepless fear, knowing that the brave sons of the Iranian Revolution are nearby, being chilly and seasick right outside of US maritime boundaries."
It seems like one of the most pointless naval missions in history.
"Bite your tongue, infidel. We are showing the American warmongers that, just as they can send their warships near Iranian territory, we can flaunt our military might off Florida and New Jersey. Like the American Navy, we are ready."
Ready for what?
"In our case, to make a screeching U-turn at the first sign of trouble while loudly proclaiming our defiance."
Well, if the Japanese Navy had done that, we'd be living in a different world today.
"They could have learned a lesson from us, that's for sure."