The main reason Trump still has a small chance to stop gasping on the dock of defeat and flip himself back into the water of the swamp for four more years, like that trophy bass you lost last summer, is his support among the male gender. A majority of American men still support Trump, according to a variety of polls. It’s not a great big majority—lots of us who pee standing up don’t care for him at all, but overwhelming support from a certain demographic keeps the male vote majority for the Caucasian-in-Chief.
That demographic is the guys who learn all the history they need to know on the Fourth of July, which is that beer, burgers and fireworks make us the greatest country on Earth, and it says so in the Constitution. And they proudly support the Constitution, even though all they really know about our founding document is that gives them the right to bear arms in the Second Amendment and interrupt any woman who tries to tell them what to do in the First.
These are the guys who sink each other's vessels in Trump boat parades. These are the guys whose guns accidentally discharge when they drop them on the floor of the Hallmark store. These are guys who need supplemental oxygen when there’s a lot of pollen in the air but nonetheless think putting a Trump banner on their golf carts makes them vaginal magnets.
These are guys who lost their jobs, businesses and grandmoms to the Covid but think that Joe Biden will be worse than Trump because he’s planning to use a canny combination of dementia and socialism to destroy the USA. They think it’s a good idea to make Amy Barrett a Supreme Court Justice, so she can clamp a giant legal maxi-pad over the soul of America. These are guys who think that if one of their girlfriends, daughters, wives or nieces, or even just some drunk babe they nailed under the rodeo grandstand needs an abortion, it’ll just be slightly more inconvenient to drive a little further from their Texas home to the nearest Planned Parenthood clinic. You know, the one in Colorado. Or Virginia.
Also, what about reverse discrimination? Bilingual smiley faces in Walmart? Your HMO making you see a Pakistani doctor? Having to learn one word in Spanish so you can tell the landscaper in what direction you want the dead leaves power-blown? The food court at the mall serving all kinds of gross, noodle-y foreign lunch plates?
It just sets your teeth on edge. And you know it sets Trump’s teeth on edge, too. So, you’re going to vote for him, even though he trashed the economy and let going-on-a-quarter-of-a-million Americans die while he watched Fox, picked Tweet-fights with anybody who criticized him and popped a hundred Tic-Tacs a day to get the taste of Putin’s ass off his tongue.
My Significant Other tells me a story about one of her daughters. One day, they were both walking down the cul-de-sac where they lived. Several boys of the neighborhood were engaged in a typical random boy activity. They were taking advantage of the downward slope of the cul-de-sac by building a shaky ramp out of abandoned boards and cinder blocks, then taking turns running their bicycles up it at top speed in an effort to get some air before crashing to the ground.
The inevitable happened—the ramp collapsed on one rider and he smushed his face into the asphalt. Boy blood and boy teeth were everywhere on the blacktop.
My future sort-of-stepdaughter, only four at the time, turned to my mate and said, with preternatural wisdom, “Boys are stupid.”
That, we apparently are.