I’m a white, senior citizen, cisgender male who lives in the suburbs. By demographic, I should be an angry right-wing ideologue, counting the minutes until Hannity comes on at night. Why I am not, I do not know. Painful childhood, repressed sexuality, or just hard-core stupidity have been offered as possible explanations by my critics for my wayward political leanings, but I have no clue.
But if I was a Republican, gnashing my teeth over CRT, DEI, AOC and other liberal acronyms for stuff and people, and raging at the existence of transgenders and eager to punish behemoth corporations for trying to sell stuff with rainbows on it I would be SOOL (Shit Out Of Luck), because I already don’t buy any of that stuff.
I remember vividly my last can of light beer, so transcendent was my dissatisfaction with it. It wasn’t even a Bud Light. I was on a party fishing boat, and they had run out of every other kind of beer except the C-word Light. Natural alcoholism overcame taste, and I forked over four bucks for the silver can. As soon as the boat docked, I rushed over to the nearest bar and rinsed the insipid near-beer out of my mouth with a hearty, frothy craft brew.
So, I’m not buying a Bud Light, no matter how many rainbows you inscribe on it, or how convincing the drag queen trying to hand it to me is.
I’m not shopping at Target. If I want cheap Chinese crap and shoes made by slave labor, I’m not too proud to go to Walmart, where the crap is even cheaper and the shoes are even slavier.
I don’t eat at Chic-Fil-a already. Pickle chicken and cardboard waffle fries. Not for me.
Cracker Barrel? Even though it has my ethnic group right in the name, I never go there.
Black Rifle Coffee? Never heard of it.
Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes? I’m old. I have to watch my blood sugar.
The LA Dodgers? I’m a Padres fan. Intercourse the Dodgers.
So, I’m lucky to be a liberal Democrat, also called a Communist and a Marxist by the spittle-flecked shouters on the right. In my spineless lefty way, I want everybody to have a festive Juneteenth today, even though many Republicans are furious about it. They don't think that the end of slavery should be acknowledged by a national holiday, since they believe Lincoln ended it way back then, and things have been cool, race-wise, ever since, so just don’t bring it up, okay?
But you know what? No matter how mad you may be at critical race theory, The Color Purple, Lizzo's dress size, Snoop Dog smoking a joint at the Super Bowl, or just black in general, if your boss gave you Juneteenth off, you’re not coming to work in protest.
For sure. Remember, I know you guys.
But if I was a Republican, gnashing my teeth over CRT, DEI, AOC and other liberal acronyms for stuff and people, and raging at the existence of transgenders and eager to punish behemoth corporations for trying to sell stuff with rainbows on it I would be SOOL (Shit Out Of Luck), because I already don’t buy any of that stuff.
I remember vividly my last can of light beer, so transcendent was my dissatisfaction with it. It wasn’t even a Bud Light. I was on a party fishing boat, and they had run out of every other kind of beer except the C-word Light. Natural alcoholism overcame taste, and I forked over four bucks for the silver can. As soon as the boat docked, I rushed over to the nearest bar and rinsed the insipid near-beer out of my mouth with a hearty, frothy craft brew.
So, I’m not buying a Bud Light, no matter how many rainbows you inscribe on it, or how convincing the drag queen trying to hand it to me is.
I’m not shopping at Target. If I want cheap Chinese crap and shoes made by slave labor, I’m not too proud to go to Walmart, where the crap is even cheaper and the shoes are even slavier.
I don’t eat at Chic-Fil-a already. Pickle chicken and cardboard waffle fries. Not for me.
Cracker Barrel? Even though it has my ethnic group right in the name, I never go there.
Black Rifle Coffee? Never heard of it.
Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes? I’m old. I have to watch my blood sugar.
The LA Dodgers? I’m a Padres fan. Intercourse the Dodgers.
So, I’m lucky to be a liberal Democrat, also called a Communist and a Marxist by the spittle-flecked shouters on the right. In my spineless lefty way, I want everybody to have a festive Juneteenth today, even though many Republicans are furious about it. They don't think that the end of slavery should be acknowledged by a national holiday, since they believe Lincoln ended it way back then, and things have been cool, race-wise, ever since, so just don’t bring it up, okay?
But you know what? No matter how mad you may be at critical race theory, The Color Purple, Lizzo's dress size, Snoop Dog smoking a joint at the Super Bowl, or just black in general, if your boss gave you Juneteenth off, you’re not coming to work in protest.
For sure. Remember, I know you guys.
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