Non-Christian swingers For those of you out there who are bored with regular Christians, this column is proud to take note of Christy and Dean Pareve, who run a web site that promotes Christianity, body-building and group sex with other Christian bodybuilders.
Dean had his epiphany concerning this Trinity of interests after he and Christy had finished off a threesome with another female bodybuilder during which the names of God and Jesus were moaned aloud many times, so powerful were the orgasms experienced. After all three of them were finally sated, Our Lord appeared to them, carrying moistened towels and cigarettes...
No, I'm just making that up. Bodybuilders usually don't smoke. Dean doesn't actually claim that God appeared to him and said it was His will that Dean offer Christy around to other men in return for Dean getting shagged by their wives in return, in between sessions at the gym and bearing witness to Christ. In fact, the encouragement God gives Dean is strictly negative. "God hasn't told me to stop yet," Dean is quoted as saying.
So God apparently does speak to Dean, although when Dean has time to listen, between pumping iron and pumping as many of his neighbor's wives as reach out to him on his web site as possible, is not made clear in the public info available concerning him. I know when I am driving along a beachfront boulevard, and I see attractive young women wearing very little scampering along the sands, I shamelessly objectify them by having thoughts like "There goes one sweet thing,' and "Holy crap, look at the warheads on her."
Unlike Dean, who from his pictures seems to be just another horny middle-aged guy like myself, I did not realize these thoughts were messages from God. This is due to my lack of inspiration by Christ, no doubt. When I see some sun-worshipping ingénue rubbing oil along her bronzed, flawless form and my eyes emanate pervert rays all over her body and I am thinking, "Jesus, I could furgle her until the tide came in," I do not recognize that is God wanting me to become an instrument of His will. Good thing, too, because I don't need any longer of a criminal record.
Christy was at first doubtful of the truth of Dean's revelation, but apparently she came around when she realized it meant she'd be getting thumped by a steady stream of muscular, God-fearing men. Praise be.
Whether the Pareves discriminate against non-Christian swingers is not made clear. Certainly it would be a first in swinger history if prayer was mandatory before the group bumping of uglies began. Some swingers would be bound to object to that, on the grounds that it was treating a nice orgy like it was a common Texas football game. And what if a totally buff Jewish couple showed up at the Pareve Love Shack and said "We want in on this?" Or an olive-skinned Muslim man and wife with abs that rippled like the sands of the Sahara? Would Dean and Christy turn up their born-again noses and say "Pass, you unbelievably attractive and lustful unsaved souls?"
That might be the Christian thing to do, but it's certainly not the swinger thing to do. I think Dean would be moved by the Spirit. He'd sidle over to the pagan pair and, radiant with the power of the Lord, whisper his favorite pick-up line seductively:
"I've got a minister in my pants. Want to touch him?"
Dean had his epiphany concerning this Trinity of interests after he and Christy had finished off a threesome with another female bodybuilder during which the names of God and Jesus were moaned aloud many times, so powerful were the orgasms experienced. After all three of them were finally sated, Our Lord appeared to them, carrying moistened towels and cigarettes...
No, I'm just making that up. Bodybuilders usually don't smoke. Dean doesn't actually claim that God appeared to him and said it was His will that Dean offer Christy around to other men in return for Dean getting shagged by their wives in return, in between sessions at the gym and bearing witness to Christ. In fact, the encouragement God gives Dean is strictly negative. "God hasn't told me to stop yet," Dean is quoted as saying.
So God apparently does speak to Dean, although when Dean has time to listen, between pumping iron and pumping as many of his neighbor's wives as reach out to him on his web site as possible, is not made clear in the public info available concerning him. I know when I am driving along a beachfront boulevard, and I see attractive young women wearing very little scampering along the sands, I shamelessly objectify them by having thoughts like "There goes one sweet thing,' and "Holy crap, look at the warheads on her."
Unlike Dean, who from his pictures seems to be just another horny middle-aged guy like myself, I did not realize these thoughts were messages from God. This is due to my lack of inspiration by Christ, no doubt. When I see some sun-worshipping ingénue rubbing oil along her bronzed, flawless form and my eyes emanate pervert rays all over her body and I am thinking, "Jesus, I could furgle her until the tide came in," I do not recognize that is God wanting me to become an instrument of His will. Good thing, too, because I don't need any longer of a criminal record.
Christy was at first doubtful of the truth of Dean's revelation, but apparently she came around when she realized it meant she'd be getting thumped by a steady stream of muscular, God-fearing men. Praise be.
Whether the Pareves discriminate against non-Christian swingers is not made clear. Certainly it would be a first in swinger history if prayer was mandatory before the group bumping of uglies began. Some swingers would be bound to object to that, on the grounds that it was treating a nice orgy like it was a common Texas football game. And what if a totally buff Jewish couple showed up at the Pareve Love Shack and said "We want in on this?" Or an olive-skinned Muslim man and wife with abs that rippled like the sands of the Sahara? Would Dean and Christy turn up their born-again noses and say "Pass, you unbelievably attractive and lustful unsaved souls?"
That might be the Christian thing to do, but it's certainly not the swinger thing to do. I think Dean would be moved by the Spirit. He'd sidle over to the pagan pair and, radiant with the power of the Lord, whisper his favorite pick-up line seductively:
"I've got a minister in my pants. Want to touch him?"
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