Fashion tip, Ted--don't tuck your polo shirt in around your flabgut. Texas spent a couple days freezing in the dark last week, which turned it from a state threatening to secede because a bunch of other states made Joe Biden President, to a state begging for a federal disaster declaration, which is a form of socialism. Not begging for it, but getting it, as other states pitch in to help you shovel your sidewalks.
They’re going to need help, as Republicans run Texas, and the virtues of being run by Republicans are not apparent in the face of a good ass-kicking by Mother Nature. Not having gender-neutral bathrooms never kept the power on. Making the girls drive 300 miles to get an abortion never kept the roads clear. Ranting about cancel culture will not melt a single icicle. That border wall won’t keep you from freezing to death in your recliner.
No, the benefits of being governed by Republicans in Texas are strictly reserved for people who own a couple dozen oil wells or a ranch the size of San Diego County. You’d think you would lay low and shut up when disastrous weather strikes, and you’re doing nothing to help your constituents from turning into a bunch of Creamsicles, but not the Republicans of Texas.
Everybody knows Ted Cruz went to Cancun. Hey, he needed a break after trying to overturn the election, right? Everybody also knows that if you’ve got a roll of flab the size of a Prius tire on you, you shouldn’t wear a polo shirt tucked in. Everybody but Ted Cruz, that is, and we’ve got the pictures to prove it.
Texas has four years to warm up before Ted has to run for re-election, but Ted would rather be President. That’s not going to happen, as voters have noticed by now that there’s more humanity in a booger planted on the bottom of a desk drawer than there is in Ted Cruz, but being called “Cancun Cruz” isn’t going to help him win Iowa, either.
Former Texas Governor Rick Perry, who’s already run for President a couple times and lost both because people noticed he wasn’t any smarter than break-dancing in a minefield, claimed that Texans would rather freeze than hook up their power grid to the one that kept 49 other states nice ‘n cozy. As Secretary of Energy under Trump, he was actually in charge of that power grid, so it made sense for him to talk shit about it, right? No. Rick’s probably had his last government job.
Current Texas gov Greg Abbott did not help his own Presidential cause by going on FOX to complain that the Texas blackout was caused by the Green New Deal, aka that Occasionally Cortez woman, and other socialist Democrats, and through their woke black magic they managed to deprive Texas of its electricity in spite of the fact that Republicans have run Texas for the past twenty-five years.
We in California have our own Governor problems, which are so acute that we are probably going to have to decide if we want to keep the same one in November. His problems, however, are trying to do too much rather than too little, like closing restaurants to keep out the covid, then getting himself caught throwing a party at one where dinner for four costs as much as a reliable used car. Mostly he was elected because he had the nicest hair in the state, though, and also, we couldn’t keep Jerry Brown Governor until he died, which many Californians would have preferred.
But by November, the ‘rona will be gone and our rolling blackouts, which we Californians thoughtfully have in the summer instead of the winter, because it’s much harder to sweat to death than freeze to death, will have been forgotten, so Newsom will probably beat the recall.
He’s still got better hair than any of his opponents.
They’re going to need help, as Republicans run Texas, and the virtues of being run by Republicans are not apparent in the face of a good ass-kicking by Mother Nature. Not having gender-neutral bathrooms never kept the power on. Making the girls drive 300 miles to get an abortion never kept the roads clear. Ranting about cancel culture will not melt a single icicle. That border wall won’t keep you from freezing to death in your recliner.
No, the benefits of being governed by Republicans in Texas are strictly reserved for people who own a couple dozen oil wells or a ranch the size of San Diego County. You’d think you would lay low and shut up when disastrous weather strikes, and you’re doing nothing to help your constituents from turning into a bunch of Creamsicles, but not the Republicans of Texas.
Everybody knows Ted Cruz went to Cancun. Hey, he needed a break after trying to overturn the election, right? Everybody also knows that if you’ve got a roll of flab the size of a Prius tire on you, you shouldn’t wear a polo shirt tucked in. Everybody but Ted Cruz, that is, and we’ve got the pictures to prove it.
Texas has four years to warm up before Ted has to run for re-election, but Ted would rather be President. That’s not going to happen, as voters have noticed by now that there’s more humanity in a booger planted on the bottom of a desk drawer than there is in Ted Cruz, but being called “Cancun Cruz” isn’t going to help him win Iowa, either.
Former Texas Governor Rick Perry, who’s already run for President a couple times and lost both because people noticed he wasn’t any smarter than break-dancing in a minefield, claimed that Texans would rather freeze than hook up their power grid to the one that kept 49 other states nice ‘n cozy. As Secretary of Energy under Trump, he was actually in charge of that power grid, so it made sense for him to talk shit about it, right? No. Rick’s probably had his last government job.
Current Texas gov Greg Abbott did not help his own Presidential cause by going on FOX to complain that the Texas blackout was caused by the Green New Deal, aka that Occasionally Cortez woman, and other socialist Democrats, and through their woke black magic they managed to deprive Texas of its electricity in spite of the fact that Republicans have run Texas for the past twenty-five years.
We in California have our own Governor problems, which are so acute that we are probably going to have to decide if we want to keep the same one in November. His problems, however, are trying to do too much rather than too little, like closing restaurants to keep out the covid, then getting himself caught throwing a party at one where dinner for four costs as much as a reliable used car. Mostly he was elected because he had the nicest hair in the state, though, and also, we couldn’t keep Jerry Brown Governor until he died, which many Californians would have preferred.
But by November, the ‘rona will be gone and our rolling blackouts, which we Californians thoughtfully have in the summer instead of the winter, because it’s much harder to sweat to death than freeze to death, will have been forgotten, so Newsom will probably beat the recall.
He’s still got better hair than any of his opponents.
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