Should she tan around your kids? The great thing about the Internet is you can approach it with every intention of doing the soberest kind of research and a couple clicks later you're reading something titled "Parents Freak Out When Girls in Bikinis Sunbathe Next to Their Kids at Park."
This freaking out occurred in the Stuyvesant Town section of New York, where multiple parents have complained about "coeds" (their word) toasting their scantily, although legally, clad bods in the same park in which their children are having play-dates, thereby exposing the kids to female bodies with their nipples and crotches fully covered.
This scandal was exposed by the Stir, a web site whose commitment to serious journalism can be judged by the collection of links on its home page, links to articles on subjects of such intense interest that you are lucky I am bothering to write this instead of eagerly following them. Links such as "Positions for Mindblowing Sex," "Alicia Silverstone Opens Up About Her Orgasmic Birth" and "This Food Will Make Your Sex Life Insane," among others even more promisingly colorful, demonstrate to me that this web site offers candor and pizzazz not found on humdrum news outlets like CNN and the New York Times. Indeed, neither of those journalistic organs has even taken up the Bikinis Worn While Sunbathing scandal.
But the Stir is not being completely forthright about exposing this bikinied heart of darkness buried deep in the urban jungle of Stuy town, either. Note the headline says "Parents Freak Out." It should read "Moms Freak Out," because I can assure you Dad is not genuinely freaking out. He has been ordered to freak out, and he is complying, but in the meantime he is busy setting up play-dates for Junior right through Labor Day at that park, so he can spend every minute of those dates staring longingly at those young, tanned, free-spirited women bronzing their taut bodies while sleeping off the effects of their wild nights filled with designer drugs and hookup sex. Even though Dad insists on doing this, is does not make him happy. It makes him sob inwardly at being married and a parent instead of an Ecstasy dealer with a haircut that cost more than a Lexus payment and enough clout to run a tab at the local nightspot.
The kids that are being exposed to these bikinied lust-objects aren't much affected by them, either. They can see the same thing at the beach or the pool or on the computer when Dad is using it and Mom isn't home. They know the lady lying there in her underpants isn't about to jump up and push them on the swing, and that's all they care about.
No, it is Mom that has the issue, and who can blame her? She has embraced responsible adulthood and done her part for the continuation of the species, which may have resulted in her body no longer being bikini-tolerant. She is not a celebrity with access to the secret celebrity post-baby diet and exercise programs that enable them to drop sixty pounds and lose their stretch marks over the course of a long weekend, like Kim Kardashian just did, although the rumor out of Hollywood is that Kim didn't do anything special in the way of diet or exercise at all—she only allowed herself to eat when Kanye said something that could not be described as either fatuous or stupid, and the weight just dropped away.
Mom thinks bitterly that if her husband just put one dollar in a jar every time she caught him drooling over one of those sun-worshiping slutbags she'd have enough for a boob job and a tummy tuck in time for next year's spring break.
And then the bikini would be on. Quit your staring, kids.
Author's Note: I did click on "Alicia Silverstone Opens Up About Her Orgasmic Birth" after I finished this and while I thought it would be about Alicia's first orgasm, it was in fact an article encouraging women to attempt to orgasm while delivering a baby, which struck me as putting unnecessary pressure on women already under considerable stress. I am not kidding about this. Click for yourself.
This freaking out occurred in the Stuyvesant Town section of New York, where multiple parents have complained about "coeds" (their word) toasting their scantily, although legally, clad bods in the same park in which their children are having play-dates, thereby exposing the kids to female bodies with their nipples and crotches fully covered.
This scandal was exposed by the Stir, a web site whose commitment to serious journalism can be judged by the collection of links on its home page, links to articles on subjects of such intense interest that you are lucky I am bothering to write this instead of eagerly following them. Links such as "Positions for Mindblowing Sex," "Alicia Silverstone Opens Up About Her Orgasmic Birth" and "This Food Will Make Your Sex Life Insane," among others even more promisingly colorful, demonstrate to me that this web site offers candor and pizzazz not found on humdrum news outlets like CNN and the New York Times. Indeed, neither of those journalistic organs has even taken up the Bikinis Worn While Sunbathing scandal.
But the Stir is not being completely forthright about exposing this bikinied heart of darkness buried deep in the urban jungle of Stuy town, either. Note the headline says "Parents Freak Out." It should read "Moms Freak Out," because I can assure you Dad is not genuinely freaking out. He has been ordered to freak out, and he is complying, but in the meantime he is busy setting up play-dates for Junior right through Labor Day at that park, so he can spend every minute of those dates staring longingly at those young, tanned, free-spirited women bronzing their taut bodies while sleeping off the effects of their wild nights filled with designer drugs and hookup sex. Even though Dad insists on doing this, is does not make him happy. It makes him sob inwardly at being married and a parent instead of an Ecstasy dealer with a haircut that cost more than a Lexus payment and enough clout to run a tab at the local nightspot.
The kids that are being exposed to these bikinied lust-objects aren't much affected by them, either. They can see the same thing at the beach or the pool or on the computer when Dad is using it and Mom isn't home. They know the lady lying there in her underpants isn't about to jump up and push them on the swing, and that's all they care about.
No, it is Mom that has the issue, and who can blame her? She has embraced responsible adulthood and done her part for the continuation of the species, which may have resulted in her body no longer being bikini-tolerant. She is not a celebrity with access to the secret celebrity post-baby diet and exercise programs that enable them to drop sixty pounds and lose their stretch marks over the course of a long weekend, like Kim Kardashian just did, although the rumor out of Hollywood is that Kim didn't do anything special in the way of diet or exercise at all—she only allowed herself to eat when Kanye said something that could not be described as either fatuous or stupid, and the weight just dropped away.
Mom thinks bitterly that if her husband just put one dollar in a jar every time she caught him drooling over one of those sun-worshiping slutbags she'd have enough for a boob job and a tummy tuck in time for next year's spring break.
And then the bikini would be on. Quit your staring, kids.
Author's Note: I did click on "Alicia Silverstone Opens Up About Her Orgasmic Birth" after I finished this and while I thought it would be about Alicia's first orgasm, it was in fact an article encouraging women to attempt to orgasm while delivering a baby, which struck me as putting unnecessary pressure on women already under considerable stress. I am not kidding about this. Click for yourself.
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