Wow. So cool, is what you’re thinking to yourself, and vow to mail in as many fake ballots marked for Biden as any foreign power looking to fix the election will let you have.
I urge you to calm yourself, even if that requires taking or smoking medication. This may come as a seismic shock to you, but Trump is lying. Biden cannot abolish religion, thanks to the First Amendment, which promotes freedom of it, on account of our Founding Fathers, a bunch of white guys in wigs and pantyhose that are ordinarily depicted favorably in the media. They even have musicals made about them, despite them having left us such dubious inheritances as slavery and the Electoral College.
You can’t really say they were wrong about religion, although many of them were not particularly religious but if they were clear-minded about it, they could have given us freedom of religion only for the religions that existed at the time, and spared us uniquely American religious concoctions like Mormonism, Dianetics, and Jim Jones, batshit faiths that developed in the fertile soil of native religious lunacy in later years.
But you can’t think of everything when you’re starting a country from scratch, especially when you can’t wait to quit pondering about equality to get back to banging your favorite slave girl after work, so we’ll let the FF’s off the hook for letting religion flourish here.
Another whopper by Trump was that Joe wants to abolish the suburbs, but if you read into that carefully, what Trump means is that Biden can’t be counted on to maintain suburbs as lily-white enclaves where you have to go to the 7-11 to get a Slurpee if you want to see a person of color. We don’t really have those kinds of burbs out here in California now, and our property values are truly bodacious anyway. We're not worried about the urban hordes invading us. We'd like to keep out the cousin-fuckers and meth labs that dot Trumpland first.
And, it turns out that by “abolishing religion,” Trump just meant that Biden would merely require people to maintain social distancing while praying. This theory, that God will not listen to the prayers of people who are not snotting viruses all over each other, represents theology at its most dubious, with the exception of the concept of prayer itself, which, even if it is muttered with the utmost sincerity, like a kid begging for a snow day because he didn’t do his homework or a guy getting his leg chewed on by a crocodile, is never answered very consistently, if at all.
Being required to stand six feet apart while begging God for a vaccine that science will eventually deliver, and then praising Him lustily when it happens will not destroy any religion, although the illogic of thinking this way may hurt your brain. You can’t organize a congregation to stand outside the CDC and chant “Yay science!” anyway. It would just distract those guys.
But churches will still thrive. They just need longer handles on the collection baskets.