“First, the ex-Veep set out to hurt the Bible. It’s tough to tell when you’ve succeeded in causing an inanimate object physical pain, but Joe’s a determined guy. He’s also a Catholic, so he doesn’t actually own a Bible. He had to borrow one from Obama to hurt. First, he doused it with lighter fluid and put a match to it. Then, when it was fully aflame, he put it out by beating on it with a Quran, which he also got from Obama, natch.
“Satisfied that the Bible was in agony, he set out to hurt the Church. Not his Church—like I said, he’s a Catholic, and the Catholic Church knows how to hurt itself. Smell the altar boy ass on your favorite priest’s fingers if you don’t believe me. First, he emptied out the poor box at an Episcopalian church. Then, after dark, he went out to a Methodist graveyard and pushed over a couple of tombstones. He had Hunter help him with that—at his age, Joe can’t topple a tombstone like he used to. Finally, he went over to one of his favorite Evangelical haunts, the Church of the Ever-Flowing Waters of Christ’s Love, and let all their snakes loose.
“When it came to hurting God, Joe was in a bit of a quandary. How do you hurt Someone who is either the omnipotent Creator of All Things or else an entirely delusional being? Joe finally settled on dropping trou in the middle of his driveway and mooning the sky, thinking that exposing his grizzled, white-guy-flat old hiney to the view of the Almighty might hurt Him, especially since God gets credit for making that extremely unappetizing product of Creation in the first place.
“Joe then went back to his basement in Delaware, where he and Jill enjoyed a relaxing threesome with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. After that, he got a great night’s sleep. He woke up this morning refreshed and got busy with his week of napping, occasionally picking a Vice President and letting Trump capsize his own candidacy like a Philippine ferry.
“Next weekend he’s going to confiscate all your guns.”