Even the bagel industry never claimed bagels were actually healthy eating, especially if you gobbed enough cream cheese on them to choke a hippo, but now they have joined the cancer food group, which already included many things people like to put on bagels, like bacon, sausage, ham and farmed salmon. Skipping breakfast never sounded like a better idea.
And for God’s sake, don’t have a bagel dog for lunch.
The researchers at the University of Texas, known locally as buzzkillers, nags, bringdowns, party poopers, and why don’t you move to California you sprout-sucking whackjobs, have only just announced their findings. They have yet to answer the questions of the at-risk bagel-chowing public, such as are all bagels equally dangerous? Is a bagel purchased at a New York deli, a torus of rich, grainy, goodness, equally as bad for you as a pseudo-bagel bagged with nine others of its deadly kind and frozen next to the pizza in some chain Midwestern supermarket? Is possibly even worse, like inhaling a pack of Lucky Strikes compared to a quick hit off a vape pipe?
DO "EVERYTHING" BAGELS GIVE YOU EVERY KIND OF CANCER?
These are questions that cry out for answers. Fortunately, we live in the United States of America, the world’s foremost nation for overreacting to anything and making money off its citizens’ irrational fears. Soon sales of bagels to minors will be banned and if you don’t want to each your lox plain, you’ll have to remember to bring your ID to the deli. The Patch, a small bit of crumby tastiness taped to your skin, will satisfy that bagel craving when it becomes overwhelming, and bagel gum, which contains the active ingredient of bagels but can be safely chewed without the risk of purposeful digestion occurring, will be available in a locked cabinet behind your local pharmacy’s counter.
Me, I’m being pro-active. I’ve already switched to Cronuts.