Despite there being armed security on the elementary school campus, we all know what happened. The good guys with guns failed to keep the bad guy from killing 21 people and injuring between 13 and 17 others. I can’t quite tell you for sure, as even a couple Google searches just now failed to be exact on the number of injured. This is probably unfair to the injured, the media acting as if lying in a hospital bed full of lead is at most, a minor inconvenience, but we’ll let the mainstream media have this one.
The right-wing media, on the other hand, immediately identified the shooter as a transvestite illegal alien, who swarmed across the border with an eye to killing Texas schoolchildren. This was reported by Candace Owens, whose source was apparently a known sewer of Internet sludge, 4-chan.
I’m surprised Candace didn’t have the shooter screaming, “After this, I’m getting an abortion!” as they opened fire.
Turned out the shooter was an 18-year-old male who had bought an AR-15 right on his 18th birthday, as he had apparently selected mass murderer as his career path long ago and was merely biding his time until the sun came up on his adulthood to embark on it.
It might be a good idea not to sell automatic weapons to people three years short of being able to legally chug a Lone Star, but don’t count on Republicans or the Supreme Court to go along with that. In their opinion, the Constitution protects the right of rage-filled rookie adults to own weapons that, if a single Revolutionary soldier had possessed in the Battle of Yorktown, could have cleared the field of Redcoats all on his own, muttering “King George my ass, motherfuckers,” while he changed clips.
The Uvalde guy, as well as the Buffalo teenager, wore body army, making it tougher on the good guys with guns. Who sells 18-year-olds body armor in Uvalde without at least asking, “What do you need this for, son? Worried about a rumble after the prom?”
Once again, the victims were not saved by Donald Trump rushing in unarmed to their rescue, as the former Caucasian-in-Chief once said he would have done to prevent a previous school massacre. The orange oozing sore on the nation’s body will be in Texas this weekend, though, protected by the Secret Service as he addresses the NRA, the organization that makes it possible for teenage balls of incoherent rage to buy automatic weapons.
I’m sure they’ll have a moment of prayerful silence over those dead babies.
I had already written this column below. I just failed to post it before the last massacre. My bad. It was titled, "God's Plan in Buffalo Was the Worst."
On the morning after the Buffalo racial massacre, the Governor of Oklahoma, a gurgling religious moron named Kevin Stitt, in a display of tone-deafness to any of rival Eric Trump’s, proclaimed “We believe that God has a special plan for every single life.”
He might have saved that for another day is our thinking here. God’s plan in Buffalo was to get ten people filled with hot lead while they were just trying to decide what flavor of Pop Tarts to buy.
But you’re not going to hear Stitt saying, “Well, in this particular instance, God’s plan sucked.” Stitt would never say that. It is up to this column to note how God’s plans often involved unarmed people getting shot. Some of us just need to have our organs surprised by multiple gunshot wounds, in the opinion of the Creator and Stitt.
Now Stitt may be just another secret atheist cynic clinging to power in Oklahoma by cultivating the votes of people who worship Republican Jesus. Or he may be sincerely religious. He may believe in God as fervently as he believes black guys shouldn’t date his daughter. And for sure he believes that. Click here for a picture of him with his family. I mean, this is a family so white they could easily be lost in a vat of mayonnaise. They could camouflage themselves in a blizzard by getting naked.
When holy idiots like Stitt go on about God’s plans, they never actually speculate about why God can be such a fan of random slaughter. Of course, there are reasons. We only have to go to Christian religious tenets to hypothesize why God chose to cut these ten lives short:
All the victims were going home to masturbate right after shopping, and sudden, violent death was the only thing that would let them get into Heaven.
Or people were slacking on thinking and praying. God knows that only the slap of bullets wakes them up sometimes.
Killing thirteen black people isn’t going to make the tiniest bit of difference in the white/non-white population ratio in this country. Sometimes God is just giving us a math lesson.
Sometimes people only find Him after they commit mass murder, so another precious shooter soul was saved. Praise be!
These are all religiously coherent reasons why God would let his spirit flow through a bloodthirsty young male and his AR-15. None of them speak well of His intentions, let alone His organizational aptitude, which is why the prayer crowd stops ruminating right after they say, “It was God’s will gettin’ done.”
So, it’s God’s will that the coroner stays busy. Stitt and his peeps are good with that. They’ve got other fish to fry. Stitt just got kicked off a commission dedicated to telling the truth about the Tulsa Race Massacre, because he signed a bill that would forbid teachers in Oklahoma from mentioning it. People in Oklahoma hadn’t mentioned the massacre for a hundred years, and the Republicans of that state want to keep it that way, because there’s no need for the white kids of OK to think their ancestors were less than perfect, and by less than perfect, we mean they enthusiastically participated in an orgy of murder and arson. Hey, it was God’s will, so it must have been cool. The Commission’s response, “Are you shitting me?” was left unremarked upon by the gov.
Meanwhile, Stitt’s getting a boner over the forthcoming reversal of Roe vs. Wade. Oklahoma’s ready to ban abortion entirely, including in the event of rape.
So, the guy sitting in a bar in Tulsa, who just stirred a roofie into his Tinder date’s glass of chardonnay, can sit back and relax while he waits for her to come back from the ladies’ room. He’s confident that he’s doing the will of God, just as surely as his theological kin, the kid who’s in his garage converting his AR-15 into fully automatic mode in the name of Jesus.