A friend of mine (he had been drinking) said a few days ago, “When are they going to get rid of this Christmas shit?” and was unhappy with my answer, which was, “Long after we are both dead. Give me your car keys.”
Christmas isn’t going anywhere. Here’s a link to a Slate article by a Muslim writer who bitches about how difficult American Christmas is for Muslims, to which all of us shrug and say, “Why don't you make your life easier by just quitting being a Muslim?”
First off, let’s keep Christ in Christmas. I hear you howling, my peeps, but hear me out. On Atheist Christmas Eve, Jesus circles the globe on his magical Christmas Cross, bring toys to all the good little rationalist children of the world. We’ll sing little songs about him:
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows when you've been bad or good
And when you masturbate!
Then, when your kids are around 11, you can tell them, “Jesus doesn’t really exist,” and mean it sincerely, killing two birds with one stone.
Decorating our homes with the atheist A and blowing up balloon Baphomets to place on our lawns gives neighborhood decoration admirers a nice break from Santa, Frosty and Rudolph and us an equal chance to be apprehensive about our January electric bill.
Caroling should be limited to singing satirical melodies. People who are sick of random Christians showing up at their doors, belting out “We Three Kings” and expecting cookies in return, are bound to feel refreshed by the song stylings of groups of random atheists harmonizing on “National Brotherhood Week,” and give them beer.
Adults should only gift each other with alcoholic beverages or where legal, cannabis products.
We’ll sink into a bloated, buzzed stupor just like our Christian neighbors around 7 and tune into the Atheist Christmas Channel, a cable network where the Grinch keeps Christmas, Rudolph’s red nose is diagnosed as a nasty case of rosacea, and Charlie Brown experiences existential angst when Peppermint Patty lets slip that the little red-haired girl is her lover.
And then it will all be over for another year. Ho, ho, ho, everybody.