RNC SPOKESMAN: We're not surprised Newsweek figured us out. We Republicans have gone for dumb for years. Remember, we make our politicians sign pledges with every fringe-loony group out there. We take Exxon's word on global warming, instead of the American Academy of Science's. That's dumb. We take Pat Robertson's position on evolution, instead of the National Science Teacher's Association's. That's dumb. We think homosexuality is a mental disorder, instead of taking the American Psychiatric Association's word it is not. Dumb is an important part of our political base. We treasure dumb.
Why this extended primary campaign, then? Why not pick the dumbest candidate and nominate him by acclaim?
RNC SPOKESMAN: Each of the current candidates represents a different kind of dumb, from which Republican voters can select their favorite, now that we've gotten rid of Huntsman, who was dumb enough to think he was smart. Well, we showed him what we think of smart. (Chuckles)
I don't know what you mean by different kinds of dumb.
RNC SPOKESMAN: Take Mitt Romney—he's smart dumb. He's smart enough to embrace dumb, now that he's wallowing through the red states. Doesn't know the difference between his own health plan and Obama's, but just demonstrated in the other night's debate that he knows the difference between moose and elk. That's the kind of knowledge dumb people want in a President. Even our dumbest party members know the difference between elks and moose, which is that elks have clubs and moose have lodges.
What about the current second-placer in the polls, Newt Gingrich?
RNC SPOKESMAN: Gingrich is crafty dumb. Crafty enough to know that people remember his name, but the dumb ones don't remember all the dumb things he did back in the '90's, and the really dumb ones are still in favor of them.
How many kinds of dumb are represented by the Republican field?
RNC SPOKESMAN: More than you would think. Rick Santorum is sanctimonious dumb. Holier than thou, and also dumber than thou. His position on gay rights is aligned closely with the position espoused by most dumb right-wing Christians—he loves gay people, but wishes they didn't exist.
Ron Paul has what many people believe to be the most consistent political philosophy of any of the candidates. How is he dumb?
RNC SPOKESMAN: Ron Paul is tunnel-vision dumb. He's dumb enough to think the country was better off in 1930 than it is now. His plan for a combination of radical financial moves, laying off all government workers and a return to international isolationism will bring the unemployment rate up to 25%, just as it was in 1930. Then we can start all over again, without Roosevelt to fix it. The smart thing about Paul's position is that 99% of the people who remember 1930 are dead.
There's only one candidate left…
RNC SPOKESMAN: My personal favorite, Rick Perry, who's just good old fashioned dumb dumb. What a sweet, dumb man. Just called an American ally and a member of NATO an Islamic terror state. As recently as Christmas, he thought that Turkey was a dish served with cranberry sauce, and now he's infuriated this entire nation. He doesn't know the voting age or what century the Revolutionary War was fought in, but neither do most dumb Americans. I predict at least a Vice-Presidential slot for him.
So Newsweek is not only correct about the GOP's criticism of Obama being dumb, it represents an election strategy?
RNC SPOKESMAN: Hey, you're smart. Yup. The GOP is the party of the big tent. A big tent full of dumb people, pinheads guiding the cruise ship of the American Dream toward the reefs of this country's future. Makes your heart beat faster, don't it?