I seldom give personal advice, because I don't care, but the Facebook message on the left, which was posted on the general Internet to mock the tender soul who wrote it, inspired me to write the words of wisdom that follow, from the perspective of an older person who is romantically involved with another older person, in the hope of bringing peace to his young, wounded heart.
1. Neither me nor my beloved has ever updated our Facebook page from "single" in the five years we have been together. It's nobody's business. You're right, it indicates a certain lack of commitment, but that comes with the territory. More bad news--there is at least one man with whom your beloved would have sex instantly if she had the chance, and I mean random, self-esteem destroying sex in the back of a car or a stopped elevator, and expect and get nothing more than a gruff "Here's your panties," when the act was finished, and then brag about it afterwards not only to all her friends, but to you as well. After you have been together a while, she will tell you who this man is. My girl's is Mike Rowe. You can have conversations with your woman that end with you saying "Well, if you get to have sex with (insert the name of Mike Rowe, or any other hunk here) then I get to have sex with Jennifer Love-Hewitt." Surprisingly (to you) she will agree. She knows that while her chances of having sex with Mike Rowe are slim, your chances of having sex with Jennifer Love-Hewitt are none.
2. Don't go to weddings at all. You can be drunk and eat too much at home any weekend you want to, and you don't have to buy a present or dance.
3. Rudeness to felines is a natural response to feline rudeness. Really. I like cats, have owned two, both of which behaved perfectly at all times because they knew I would not hesitate to whack them with a broom if they got out of line. Your woman is just administering a little necessary cat discipline. The lesson here is don't let your cat make you into a pussy.
4. Equally with who? Her dog? Her mom? Her six best friends who decorate their walls with signed underwear from Chippendale dancers? The answer is important here, pal. If you want your girl to spend more time with you, be more interesting. You don't have to be that guy in the Dos Equis commercials, but if the only thing that amuses her when she comes to call is kicking your cat around, it could be that you're a boreass. Put up a dartboard, have some alcohol around the house, play music when she comes over instead of what you currently do, which is Googling everything she says on your phone so you can correct her mistakes. At the worst, you'll have some new hobbies to occupy your time when she dumps you.
5. In this equal world, women are allowed to swear. The only thing you can hope is to outdo them, so that when you hit your thumb with a hammer while putting up that dartboard and exclaim "J*SUS H CHR*ST ON A CRUTCH DIPPED IN SH*T!" it makes that meek little "F*CKETY F*CK F*CK F*CK!" she let out when she tripped over your cat seem pale by comparison.
6. 3? Really? In this modern age, a more realistic ratio would be three for every year since she turned 17 and the year she met you. So if she's 27, thirty would be a reasonably chaste number. Sixty would be daring. Any number higher smacks of nymphomania until you reach the low hundreds, which means she works as a call girl. Congratulations--you're getting professional service for free! Think how much money you could save if your dentist or your attorney worked like that! On the other hand, if she asks you how many sexual partners you've had, always say "six," even if the true answer ranges from "you're were #1" to "fewer than Wilt Chamberlain, I'm pretty sure."
There you have it. Give these behavior mods a shot, and let me know how it works out. Or just put it on Facebook.
1. Neither me nor my beloved has ever updated our Facebook page from "single" in the five years we have been together. It's nobody's business. You're right, it indicates a certain lack of commitment, but that comes with the territory. More bad news--there is at least one man with whom your beloved would have sex instantly if she had the chance, and I mean random, self-esteem destroying sex in the back of a car or a stopped elevator, and expect and get nothing more than a gruff "Here's your panties," when the act was finished, and then brag about it afterwards not only to all her friends, but to you as well. After you have been together a while, she will tell you who this man is. My girl's is Mike Rowe. You can have conversations with your woman that end with you saying "Well, if you get to have sex with (insert the name of Mike Rowe, or any other hunk here) then I get to have sex with Jennifer Love-Hewitt." Surprisingly (to you) she will agree. She knows that while her chances of having sex with Mike Rowe are slim, your chances of having sex with Jennifer Love-Hewitt are none.
2. Don't go to weddings at all. You can be drunk and eat too much at home any weekend you want to, and you don't have to buy a present or dance.
3. Rudeness to felines is a natural response to feline rudeness. Really. I like cats, have owned two, both of which behaved perfectly at all times because they knew I would not hesitate to whack them with a broom if they got out of line. Your woman is just administering a little necessary cat discipline. The lesson here is don't let your cat make you into a pussy.
4. Equally with who? Her dog? Her mom? Her six best friends who decorate their walls with signed underwear from Chippendale dancers? The answer is important here, pal. If you want your girl to spend more time with you, be more interesting. You don't have to be that guy in the Dos Equis commercials, but if the only thing that amuses her when she comes to call is kicking your cat around, it could be that you're a boreass. Put up a dartboard, have some alcohol around the house, play music when she comes over instead of what you currently do, which is Googling everything she says on your phone so you can correct her mistakes. At the worst, you'll have some new hobbies to occupy your time when she dumps you.
5. In this equal world, women are allowed to swear. The only thing you can hope is to outdo them, so that when you hit your thumb with a hammer while putting up that dartboard and exclaim "J*SUS H CHR*ST ON A CRUTCH DIPPED IN SH*T!" it makes that meek little "F*CKETY F*CK F*CK F*CK!" she let out when she tripped over your cat seem pale by comparison.
6. 3? Really? In this modern age, a more realistic ratio would be three for every year since she turned 17 and the year she met you. So if she's 27, thirty would be a reasonably chaste number. Sixty would be daring. Any number higher smacks of nymphomania until you reach the low hundreds, which means she works as a call girl. Congratulations--you're getting professional service for free! Think how much money you could save if your dentist or your attorney worked like that! On the other hand, if she asks you how many sexual partners you've had, always say "six," even if the true answer ranges from "you're were #1" to "fewer than Wilt Chamberlain, I'm pretty sure."
There you have it. Give these behavior mods a shot, and let me know how it works out. Or just put it on Facebook.
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