Currently leading in her effort to become the second bisexual Senator after Lindsey Graham. A lot of you have read a lot of post-election analyses so far, but you haven’t read one like this, where we suss out the meaning of the midterms over a cold brewski. So, pop one and listen up.
At first it seemed that Trump had gotten his salmon-colored gob smacked, but not nearly as hard as the guy that tried to steal Alec Baldwin’s parking space. Now that the returns are still coming in from some states, victories in states that Agent Orange had declared have not been officially called yet, and the number of House seats claimed by Democrats keeps going up, the fist to his mango of a noggin seems to have landed a tad harder.
This did not keep Trump from declaring victory and running off to France to celebrate the end of WWI, where he was scheduled to insult the locals and honor the graves of American soldiers fallen in that war. He did the first, but not the second, because it was raining and everybody knows he can’t use an umbrella. He also claimed to be “a great moral leader,” startling a lot of people who would put him someplace between a lamprey and an intestinal parasite on the moral leadership board. If he had added “when I’m in bed with a prostitute” to the first claim, it would have made a lot more sense. In fact, if you mentally add “when I’m in bed with a prostitute” to everything Trump says, it makes listening to him a lot more entertaining. Try it!
But on to the election. In Missouri, the sitting Democratic senator got a severe whomping by a Trump-inspired turdbite, but the voters also approved a couple ballot measures that Democrats usually get behind, like making medical marijuana legal and raising the minimum wage. The analysis here is that a majority of Missouri voters still want to be racists, but they want to be stoned, better-paid racists.
Legal weed made the electoral grade in a couple other states, too, with only North Dakota going anti-ganja, because you can’t properly enjoy the frozen dark heart of a North Dakota winter if you’re stoned.
Women ran for office in record numbers and won in record numbers, except for Kim Davis, the anti-gay county clerk in Kentucky who lost, despite being briefly famous and being entertained by professional holy rollers Mike Huckabee and Pope Francis. Hopefully, one of them told her that if there’s one thing certain about God, He has a wicked, wicked sense of humor, because she’s unemployed in January.
Another lady who won her race is already being slammed by Fox News for not being able to afford an apartment in DC before they start cutting her a Congressional paycheck. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who was so poor before she was elected to Congress she could barely afford the hyphen in her name, is priced out of the Washington housing market. Fox has long been on record as believing that only privileged white guys deserve to hold public office, because only they and they alone can be counted on to cut their own taxes and keep women from getting abortions. Also, Fox must believe that most of their viewers don’t need a paycheck to be able to afford to live indoors.
But they have shut up about the caravan. No longer is it a national menace, just taking a time out in Mexico City before coming up here and speaking even more Spanish than we have to listen to already, unless they are confronted by fifteen thousand armed soldiers. Likewise, the rapists and murderers have dropped out of it, maybe having figured out that if they want to come north for a life of crime, it would be better to do it a little more low-profile. The Middle Easterners coming over to terrorize us via the caravan also cannot be found. In fact, it looks like there are more Middle-Easterners behind the counter (usually two) of any liquor store in San Diego than there are in that whole caravan.
But we have to cut this trenchant analysis short here, because we’re out of beer. Time to head over to that liquor store to buy another sixer from Majid and Ahmed.
At first it seemed that Trump had gotten his salmon-colored gob smacked, but not nearly as hard as the guy that tried to steal Alec Baldwin’s parking space. Now that the returns are still coming in from some states, victories in states that Agent Orange had declared have not been officially called yet, and the number of House seats claimed by Democrats keeps going up, the fist to his mango of a noggin seems to have landed a tad harder.
This did not keep Trump from declaring victory and running off to France to celebrate the end of WWI, where he was scheduled to insult the locals and honor the graves of American soldiers fallen in that war. He did the first, but not the second, because it was raining and everybody knows he can’t use an umbrella. He also claimed to be “a great moral leader,” startling a lot of people who would put him someplace between a lamprey and an intestinal parasite on the moral leadership board. If he had added “when I’m in bed with a prostitute” to the first claim, it would have made a lot more sense. In fact, if you mentally add “when I’m in bed with a prostitute” to everything Trump says, it makes listening to him a lot more entertaining. Try it!
But on to the election. In Missouri, the sitting Democratic senator got a severe whomping by a Trump-inspired turdbite, but the voters also approved a couple ballot measures that Democrats usually get behind, like making medical marijuana legal and raising the minimum wage. The analysis here is that a majority of Missouri voters still want to be racists, but they want to be stoned, better-paid racists.
Legal weed made the electoral grade in a couple other states, too, with only North Dakota going anti-ganja, because you can’t properly enjoy the frozen dark heart of a North Dakota winter if you’re stoned.
Women ran for office in record numbers and won in record numbers, except for Kim Davis, the anti-gay county clerk in Kentucky who lost, despite being briefly famous and being entertained by professional holy rollers Mike Huckabee and Pope Francis. Hopefully, one of them told her that if there’s one thing certain about God, He has a wicked, wicked sense of humor, because she’s unemployed in January.
Another lady who won her race is already being slammed by Fox News for not being able to afford an apartment in DC before they start cutting her a Congressional paycheck. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who was so poor before she was elected to Congress she could barely afford the hyphen in her name, is priced out of the Washington housing market. Fox has long been on record as believing that only privileged white guys deserve to hold public office, because only they and they alone can be counted on to cut their own taxes and keep women from getting abortions. Also, Fox must believe that most of their viewers don’t need a paycheck to be able to afford to live indoors.
But they have shut up about the caravan. No longer is it a national menace, just taking a time out in Mexico City before coming up here and speaking even more Spanish than we have to listen to already, unless they are confronted by fifteen thousand armed soldiers. Likewise, the rapists and murderers have dropped out of it, maybe having figured out that if they want to come north for a life of crime, it would be better to do it a little more low-profile. The Middle Easterners coming over to terrorize us via the caravan also cannot be found. In fact, it looks like there are more Middle-Easterners behind the counter (usually two) of any liquor store in San Diego than there are in that whole caravan.
But we have to cut this trenchant analysis short here, because we’re out of beer. Time to head over to that liquor store to buy another sixer from Majid and Ahmed.
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