Screw it
Well, there you have it. This election cycle is officially the most loathsome ever, as the Koch Brothers, petroleum magnates who want to frack the Grand Tetons down to the size of a really scary roller coaster, and are willing to spend a billion bucks or so to buy high office for any politician that will let them, are keeping their hands in their pockets for 2016, and have even muttered that Hillary Clinton might be an acceptable President.
It is highly doubtful that Hillary will really let the Koch boys do what they want, which is to find the most unspoiled wilderness in America and crisscross it with leaky pipelines, so the resignation of the brothers to her election is merely disgust expressed by them at the merchandise available.
It started out so promisingly for them, too—the Republican field was amply filled with candidates who were eager to sell themselves for Koch bucks—Jeb “Don’t Call Me Bush” Bush, Marco "I Should Have Run Next Time, When People Wouldn't Realize I was Such a Lightweight” Rubio, Scott “The Time to Quit is Now” Walker and Chris “I Should Have Run Last Time, Before People Realized I Was Such a Dick” Christie.
Now even Ted “Lucifer Incarnate” Cruz and his prematurely anointed running mate Carly “If You Need Somebody That Can Seem Even More Insincere and Robotic Than Hillary I’m Your Girl” Fiorina, and John “Nobody Actually Votes for Me" Kasich are gone.
All those guys, and many more, were eager to fill their campaign chests with Koch bucks and more than willing to spend them arguing that America’s biggest problems are Planned Parenthood and the fact that some billionaires pay so much in taxes they can only afford one private island.
We all know what happened to them. The man who would be America’s first orange President blew them all out of the running by promising to rid us of Mexican rapists by building the biggest wall since China’s (which, by the way, is also raping us) along the border, and solving all of our international problems by waterboarding anybody that screws with him.
You may think The Donald is a breath of fresh air, but so was Hurricane Sandy. The Koch brothers are not going to put a billion behind the ski-mogul-haired mogul.
And for sure the Kochs are not going to be feeling the Bern anytime in this plane of existence.
So it looks like we’re going to get Clinton II, unopposed at least by America’s biggest buyers of candidates, and it will probably be okay. It would take a real meteorological event of feces for it to turn out worse than Bush II. It’s just not going to be as much fun having Hillary as President as it is having a cool black guy as President and, let’s face it, Obama is cool. Even if you hate him you have to admit that. If you're not willing to do even that, it really is because you’re a racist, so quit swearing you're not one.
Hillary will be our first Grandmother President, if she doesn’t get indicted, but she’s not the kind of grandmother everybody wants to have, the kind that bakes cookies all day and lets you stay up as late as you want when you spend the night at her house. She’s the kind of grandmother that looks over your report card critically and won’t let you play video games until you’ve done your homework.
So it’s not going to be as much fun, for you, me, or the Koch brothers. But it will probably work.
I want this to be the last thing I write about the 2016 elections but it probably won't be--the GOP convention promises to be an exercise in public idiocy that will reverberate through the ages, and I probably won't be able to suffer through it silently.
But I would rather.
It is highly doubtful that Hillary will really let the Koch boys do what they want, which is to find the most unspoiled wilderness in America and crisscross it with leaky pipelines, so the resignation of the brothers to her election is merely disgust expressed by them at the merchandise available.
It started out so promisingly for them, too—the Republican field was amply filled with candidates who were eager to sell themselves for Koch bucks—Jeb “Don’t Call Me Bush” Bush, Marco "I Should Have Run Next Time, When People Wouldn't Realize I was Such a Lightweight” Rubio, Scott “The Time to Quit is Now” Walker and Chris “I Should Have Run Last Time, Before People Realized I Was Such a Dick” Christie.
Now even Ted “Lucifer Incarnate” Cruz and his prematurely anointed running mate Carly “If You Need Somebody That Can Seem Even More Insincere and Robotic Than Hillary I’m Your Girl” Fiorina, and John “Nobody Actually Votes for Me" Kasich are gone.
All those guys, and many more, were eager to fill their campaign chests with Koch bucks and more than willing to spend them arguing that America’s biggest problems are Planned Parenthood and the fact that some billionaires pay so much in taxes they can only afford one private island.
We all know what happened to them. The man who would be America’s first orange President blew them all out of the running by promising to rid us of Mexican rapists by building the biggest wall since China’s (which, by the way, is also raping us) along the border, and solving all of our international problems by waterboarding anybody that screws with him.
You may think The Donald is a breath of fresh air, but so was Hurricane Sandy. The Koch brothers are not going to put a billion behind the ski-mogul-haired mogul.
And for sure the Kochs are not going to be feeling the Bern anytime in this plane of existence.
So it looks like we’re going to get Clinton II, unopposed at least by America’s biggest buyers of candidates, and it will probably be okay. It would take a real meteorological event of feces for it to turn out worse than Bush II. It’s just not going to be as much fun having Hillary as President as it is having a cool black guy as President and, let’s face it, Obama is cool. Even if you hate him you have to admit that. If you're not willing to do even that, it really is because you’re a racist, so quit swearing you're not one.
Hillary will be our first Grandmother President, if she doesn’t get indicted, but she’s not the kind of grandmother everybody wants to have, the kind that bakes cookies all day and lets you stay up as late as you want when you spend the night at her house. She’s the kind of grandmother that looks over your report card critically and won’t let you play video games until you’ve done your homework.
So it’s not going to be as much fun, for you, me, or the Koch brothers. But it will probably work.
I want this to be the last thing I write about the 2016 elections but it probably won't be--the GOP convention promises to be an exercise in public idiocy that will reverberate through the ages, and I probably won't be able to suffer through it silently.
But I would rather.
RSS Feed
