There has been criticism of Trump from some quarters for this remark, ranging from it being insensitive, tone deaf and utterly loathsome to ‘holy fuck, did he really say that? REALLY? He is such a consistent shitbird.”
This column doesn’t go anywhere without the facts in its pocket, however, so I promptly got out the old Ouija board and a half-bottle of whiskey and started interviewing other people suspected of being in Heaven, and surprisingly, found the cheering for Trump from the afterlife to be nearly unanimous.
AHMAUD ARBERY, recently arrived at the Pearlies after being shot to death by wanna-be cops in Georgia, said, “Of course, I can take a jog around Heaven any time I want to without worrying about being gunned down by some peckerhead redneck looking for any excuse to kill a black guy, but I really had to stop and applaud those unemployment numbers. It’s hard to enjoy eternal glory when you’re worried about white people being out of work.”
BREONNA TAYLOR, another newbie in Paradise, courtesy of a no-knock raid by the Louisville PD, replied, “You know, I was pretty surprised by being filled full of hot lead while I was lying in my bed, but not nearly as surprised as I was by those jobs coming back. How many Presidents could raise the jobless rate back from bottom of the Depression levels to barely above the bottom of the Depression levels in just a few months? That boy Trump really knows how to run an economy.”
ERIC GARNER, a five-year veteran of working the streets paved with gold, said, “Sales of loose cigarettes always soared when the economy rebounded, so I’d probably be selling tons of them today, thanks to Trump, if I hadn’t been choked to death by the NYPD.”
LORI KLAUSUTIS, who’s been hanging in eternity since 2001, when she suffered an accidental death in MSNBC host Joe Scarborough’s Congressional office in Florida, and whom Trump accused of murdering her despite Scarborough being in DC at the time, said, “Initially, I was kind of get-my-name-out-of-your-mouth about Trump. But now that he’s performed this economic miracle, of getting all these poorly-paid service workers back on the job so both the economy and coronavirus can rebound, it’s hard not to forgive him for making my family suffer yet again years after my death.”
JOHN MCCAIN, deceased US Senator who started his term in Heaven in 2018, was the only soul in eternity that my Ouija board could locate, before I spilled my last shot of whiskey on it and had to quit, that had anything negative to convey about Trump. All he said was, “I like Presidents that don’t hide in bunkers.”