It all seems ironic, because almost everyone in the country was just about in heaven about the Supe because there was no possibility the New England Patriots were going to win it. By halftime, it was still obvious that the Patriots were not going to be the eventual champions, so ultra-Christian Ohio resident Dave Daubenmire should have been as happy as the rest of us when Shakira, J. Lo and company went onstage to shake it like a Polaroid picture. He, however, was not. From his Christian podcast:
“I think we ought to sue,” (said Daubenmire). “Would that halftime show, would that have been rated PG? Were there any warnings that your 12-year-old son—whose hormones are just starting to operate – was there any warning that what he was going to see might cause him to get sexually excited?”
“Could I go into a courtroom and say, ‘Viewing what you put on that screen put me in danger of hellfire’?”
Now, no one could blame Dave for seething with angst while watching the Super Bowl, because no Ohio team has ever won one. But he had to go and bring sex and Jesus into it. Let's face it, Dave is about as much fun as hitting your shin on a trailer hitch.
He mentions suing Pepsi, which sponsored Shakira’s vibrating buns and J. Lo’s sensational splits, for an amount of 867 trillion dollars, which, at 37 times the national debt, seems a tad overmuch, until you consider that 867 trillion divided by an eternity in Hell is still effectively zero.
It might be a tough lawsuit to win. If I were one of Pepsi’s defense lawyers, I’d point out that many other female pop stars have danced nearly in the raw at previous Super Bowls, and Dave did not see fit to sue over them. Katie Perry had a Left Shark drooling over her (a Shark that is for sure destined for eternal perdition), Lady Gaga scampered skimpily, Fergie sang about her luscious lady lumps, and Beyoncé even cat-walked across the Super Stage through a special effect calculated to mimic the flames of Hell. Yet Dave did not raise one litigating finger. It took the sultry Latina duo to give Dave a sinful bulge in his trousers, a bump he fears will eighty-six him from the Pearlies and get him a box seat at the Stadium of Eternal Suffering.
Yeah, 867 trillion might be a little low, especially if he splits it with that twelve-year-old kid. If he wins, though, you can comfort yourself with the thought that every time you pour yourself a Pepsi at your local taco shop (because no taco shop on the planet ever serves Coke) you’re doing more than preparing to douse the fire of its habanero sauce.
You’re helping keep Dave out of Hell.