“Not only was AEN offended by Trump’s assertion that he couldn’t be President, he was equally taken aback by fellow candidate Pete Buttigieg’s claim that “I had to Google that,” when the President compared Neuman to Buttigieg,” said a spokesman for the nascent campaign.
“Alfred E. Neuman has a record of public service that goes back to the Cold War. Baby boomers fondly remember MAD as the first magazine they owned that they had to hide from parents and teachers, which was great practice for concealing their copies of Oui and Hustler later in life.
“AEN was born in 1954, which makes him younger than Biden, Bernie and Trump. It’s true he got a draft deferment during Vietnam, but his, unlike Trump’s spurious bone spurs, was legit—our candidate is dimensionally challenged. Throughout the years of Watergate, Carter, Reagan, both Bushes, Clinton and Obama, he has been a figure on the public stage, making jokes so obvious you could see the punchline coming from the orbit of Uranus, and padding out his magazine with heavy-handed parodies of popular movies and TV shows.
“His thoughts on foreign policy have been documented in countless episodes of Spy vs. Spy, forming a formidable body of research which he can draw on when confronting international challenges. Bad actors like Kim Jong Un don’t intimidate him—he’s already made roughly a thousand fat jokes about Un.
“Unlike his opponent, our candidate has never had a hair transplant or needed an XXL tanning bed to maintain his youthful looks. We think his obvious need for a dental implant will play well in states that supported Trump in '16, states like Kentucky and Mississippi. It’s true, compared to the other Democratic candidates, he doesn’t have detailed, thoughtful positions on many of the pressing issues of the day, but neither does Beto O’Rourke, and he’s in third or fourth place. We’re confident that a quick, barely noticed change in Neuman’s personal motto will result in a groundswell of support. We’re going from “What, Me Worry?” to—are you ready for it?
“Alfred E. Neuman—He’s for Real!”