Opp cops suspect Satan The police department in Opp, Alabama, has called upon God for help in stopping a spate of murders there, which the cops publicly blamed on young people “embracing Satan.”
A rash of murders is nothing to laugh about, of course, but when the good people of Opp find themselves confronted with a string of homicides, they can't count on their cops to do a lot of print-lifting or profiling. Really, they might as well forget calling their police entirely, because those guys are going to pass the buck to the Almighty. They will be found kneeling prayerfully by the chalk outlines of the victims, asking Him to solve their cases.
Asking God to do anything can be problematical, as anyone who has ever beseeched Him for a lottery win or silently asked Him to keep his wife from opening the glove box in their minivan until he has had a chance to remove his girlfriend’s panties from it can testify, God works in mysterious ways, but often He seems to follow the laws of probability, so chances are the average supplicant in those cases stays poor and gets a divorce.
So we urge the cops of Opp to take some DNA samples while they’re down on their knees, and maybe interview a few witnesses. Maybe they ought to quit worrying about the youth of Opp embracing Satan as well. How much Satan-embracing is actually going on in Opp has not been estimated by the authorities. The Prince of Darkness, as customarily depicted, does not look particularly cuddly, but the youth of Opp, whom dollars-to-donuts you can bet refer to their bedraggled little burg on the state line as “Oops,” may well lack better embracing opportunities, since custom and their well-armed parents are dead set against them embracing each other.
But they probably do anyway. The Original Sin of Opp is not likely to be particularly original. The nature of sinning has changed much since it was discovered. God created youthful gonads, and then forbade us from enjoying them if we wanted to savor eternal bliss. Then Lucifer appeared, encouraged us to bump uglies, and when we followed his Satanic advice, burned us in Hell.
The eternal mystery of all this is exceeded only by the limited sense that it makes, but try not to think too hard about that. When you are switching sides between God and Satan, or switching back again, as often happens, just try to think of it as merely adjusting to a different corporate culture, like changing jobs from the Waffle House to Hardees.
Just try to keep in mind that when you get involved with invisible, eternal, all-powerful beings that all your neighbors believe in, some of those neighbors are going to be mad at you, whichever side you chose. And if they get so mad they call the cops in Opp on you, and you end up having an Opp cop sighting down the barrel of his gun or the grip of his Taser at you, you might as well pray.
Because for sure he is.
A rash of murders is nothing to laugh about, of course, but when the good people of Opp find themselves confronted with a string of homicides, they can't count on their cops to do a lot of print-lifting or profiling. Really, they might as well forget calling their police entirely, because those guys are going to pass the buck to the Almighty. They will be found kneeling prayerfully by the chalk outlines of the victims, asking Him to solve their cases.
Asking God to do anything can be problematical, as anyone who has ever beseeched Him for a lottery win or silently asked Him to keep his wife from opening the glove box in their minivan until he has had a chance to remove his girlfriend’s panties from it can testify, God works in mysterious ways, but often He seems to follow the laws of probability, so chances are the average supplicant in those cases stays poor and gets a divorce.
So we urge the cops of Opp to take some DNA samples while they’re down on their knees, and maybe interview a few witnesses. Maybe they ought to quit worrying about the youth of Opp embracing Satan as well. How much Satan-embracing is actually going on in Opp has not been estimated by the authorities. The Prince of Darkness, as customarily depicted, does not look particularly cuddly, but the youth of Opp, whom dollars-to-donuts you can bet refer to their bedraggled little burg on the state line as “Oops,” may well lack better embracing opportunities, since custom and their well-armed parents are dead set against them embracing each other.
But they probably do anyway. The Original Sin of Opp is not likely to be particularly original. The nature of sinning has changed much since it was discovered. God created youthful gonads, and then forbade us from enjoying them if we wanted to savor eternal bliss. Then Lucifer appeared, encouraged us to bump uglies, and when we followed his Satanic advice, burned us in Hell.
The eternal mystery of all this is exceeded only by the limited sense that it makes, but try not to think too hard about that. When you are switching sides between God and Satan, or switching back again, as often happens, just try to think of it as merely adjusting to a different corporate culture, like changing jobs from the Waffle House to Hardees.
Just try to keep in mind that when you get involved with invisible, eternal, all-powerful beings that all your neighbors believe in, some of those neighbors are going to be mad at you, whichever side you chose. And if they get so mad they call the cops in Opp on you, and you end up having an Opp cop sighting down the barrel of his gun or the grip of his Taser at you, you might as well pray.
Because for sure he is.
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