President Donald Trump made it known today that he would henceforth fire anyone in the government that needed firing by firing them Apprentice-style. Sarah “Poundcake” Huckabee-Sanders, daughter of Mike “Piehole” Huckabee, delivered a short statement to the assembled White House press corps announcing the change. The complete text follows:
The President from this point forward will dismiss any employees in reality TV fashion, i.e., on a brightly lit sound stage with dramatic music swelling in the background. The President will pick the person to be fired out from a small group of people who probably all deserve to be fired. For example, if he wanted to fire Rod Rosenstein, after using him for an excuse to fire Comey and then basically lighting a cherry bomb and sticking it up his ass, Rosenstein would be seated among, say, Sean Spicer, whose job I pretty much stole while he was hiding in the hedges, Ben Carson, Kellyanne Conway and Mike Pence. All of them would look pale and worried that they were about to lose their jobs, which Spicer should be because my moon face is currently rocking his podium, Kellyanne because she’s been invisible lately, and Ben Carson because he’s black. The President can’t actually fire the Vice President, which President Trump unfortunately wasn't aware of when he hired Pence, so Pence has nothing to worry about, but Pence will look worried anyway, because he’s an incorrigible suck-up. It’s the only thing that stands between him and losing his job to Omarosa Manigault for the second term.
The President will have his hair perfectly coiffed and his tie tied at the correct length by makeup and wardrobe specialists. His face will glow a deeper shade of tangerine when he pronounces the words “You’re fired!” Special effects may be added, like a slow-motion replay of the drops of Presidential spittle hitting the face of the firee.
Afterwards, the person fired will have a chance to have a few minutes solo before the camera, where they will make a self-abnegating speech in which they will praise Mr. Trump for giving them a chance to work for him in the first place, acknowledge that their being shit-canned was entirely due to their own inadequacies, and reflect on what a rich learning experience that working for the White House was for them. And that will be all. THERE WILL BE NO MORE OF THIS RUNNING OFF TO TESTIFY BEFORE CONGRESS SHIT!
The President has spoken. That is all.
The President from this point forward will dismiss any employees in reality TV fashion, i.e., on a brightly lit sound stage with dramatic music swelling in the background. The President will pick the person to be fired out from a small group of people who probably all deserve to be fired. For example, if he wanted to fire Rod Rosenstein, after using him for an excuse to fire Comey and then basically lighting a cherry bomb and sticking it up his ass, Rosenstein would be seated among, say, Sean Spicer, whose job I pretty much stole while he was hiding in the hedges, Ben Carson, Kellyanne Conway and Mike Pence. All of them would look pale and worried that they were about to lose their jobs, which Spicer should be because my moon face is currently rocking his podium, Kellyanne because she’s been invisible lately, and Ben Carson because he’s black. The President can’t actually fire the Vice President, which President Trump unfortunately wasn't aware of when he hired Pence, so Pence has nothing to worry about, but Pence will look worried anyway, because he’s an incorrigible suck-up. It’s the only thing that stands between him and losing his job to Omarosa Manigault for the second term.
The President will have his hair perfectly coiffed and his tie tied at the correct length by makeup and wardrobe specialists. His face will glow a deeper shade of tangerine when he pronounces the words “You’re fired!” Special effects may be added, like a slow-motion replay of the drops of Presidential spittle hitting the face of the firee.
Afterwards, the person fired will have a chance to have a few minutes solo before the camera, where they will make a self-abnegating speech in which they will praise Mr. Trump for giving them a chance to work for him in the first place, acknowledge that their being shit-canned was entirely due to their own inadequacies, and reflect on what a rich learning experience that working for the White House was for them. And that will be all. THERE WILL BE NO MORE OF THIS RUNNING OFF TO TESTIFY BEFORE CONGRESS SHIT!
The President has spoken. That is all.
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