TRUMP: Roy Cohn, is that you? You look terrible. Those chains belong on a kinky Russian hooker, not my old attorney.
GHOST OF ROY COHN: Of course, It’s me. I wouldn't be expecting Melania anytime soon.
TRUMP: Well, thanks for waking me up. (Glances at clock) It was almost Twitter time, anyway.
GHOST OF ROY COHN: SILENCE! Tonight, you will be visited by three spirits. Your fate depends on how well you heed their lessons! (Vanishes)
TRUMP: Roy! Roy! Where’d you go? Shit, I lasted longer with Stormy Daniels than that. (Suddenly becomes aware of another shadowy figure) Who are you?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: I am the Ghost of Presidents Past!
TRUMP: You look familiar.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: History says I was the greatest American President.
TRUMP: History, schmistory. I like Presidents that weren’t assassinated. Sorry I didn’t recognize you right away. I don’t handle many five-dollar bills. President Franklin’s my favorite.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: (Slapping his phantasmic forehead) Dude!
TRUMP: And you were only the greatest President until me. I’m trying to be humble here—it could end up in a tie after I finish my second term. But I think the fact that the Gettysburg Address was way over 280 characters is going to count against you. People still say we have a lot in common, though.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: You are aware that people called me "Honest Abe," right? Jesus, I am so out of here. Snatched out of a nice comfortable eternity for this bullshit? I’d rather be visiting Grant at his tomb.
TRUMP: (Airily) Thanks for stopping by. (Shakes his head. Muttering) Greatest President my ass. Shakin’ Abe Lincoln, the Log Cabin Loser is more like it. That’s good. I better write that down. Where’s my phone? Hey, who are you?
GEORGE H.W. BUSH: I am the ghost of Presidents Present!
TRUMP: Hey, I didn’t really want to go to your funeral. John Kelly made me, right before I fired him.
GEORGE H.W. BUSH: You will be the ruin of the Republican Party unless you change your ways.
TRUMP: I’m not going to take any advice from you, because you’re a low-energy ghost. Next!
(KELLYANNE CONWAY and SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS drift into the room)
CONWAY: We are the Ghosts of Presidents Future!
TRUMP: That’s totally unfair to me! You’re not even dead yet!
SANDERS: We’re dead inside, and that’s what counts. Boss, I tell more lies than I eat pies, and that’s saying a lot. Just for once I’d like to get out in that press room and tell them you wouldn’t be President except for the Russians, you couldn’t find South America or Australia on a map, and not only did you not go to the Wharton School, you’re the dumbest guy to ever even claim you graduated from there.
CONWAY: And I’d like for my husband to quit putting bear traps out by the pool. I haven’t had a nice swim since ’15.
TRUMP: Both of you, out! You two can be easily replaced!
SANDERS: Um, not really, but why am I not surprised to hear that?
CONWAY: I hope you’ve learned tonight’s lesson, sir.
TRUMP: I sure have. No president should have to put up with this. We need a Supernatural Secret Service. And we’re getting one. Right after the Space Force.