The 17-year-old, whose social media accounts indicate an affinity for cops, guns, and Trump, would have made a perfect addition to the roll call of speakers, admit the convention’s organizers. “Kyle’s previous career as a Public Safety Cadet indicated his strong desire to grow up, become a police officer and shoot people, which is a treasured Republican value,” said one prominent Republican, who wished to remain anonymous. “We just wish he’d waited until then. Kyle will too, most likely, when he finally loses his virginity in the shower at some state prison. ”
That’s an example of this column being on the cutting edge of the news. Here are some previous thoughts on the RNC:
I was catching up on the highlights of the Republican convention second-hand, and I couldn’t help but noticing that if I don’t vote Republican this year, violent demonstrators are going to roll up my driveway, burn my house down, and kill everybody I love, and Joe Biden and the Democrats will cheerfully let them do that because that’s the way socialism works.
Only Trump will be law and order enough to prevent this from happening. He’s going to do this by keeping the burbs white ‘n wealthy by forbidding low-income housing from being constructed there, particularly subsidized housing with names like Antifa Acres, Black Households Matter, or M-13 Livin’ the Dream.
Trump will respond to protests that erupt when unarmed black people are, say, shot in the back seven times at point-blank range, in the only way that preserves America’s twin commitments to justice and equality—tear gassing everybody who objects and shooting elderly women protesters in the face with rubber bullets, while waving a Bible.
Only Trump’s re-election will assure me of certain privileges. If Biden is elected, my girl and I will watch our dream of standing outside, barefoot and drunk, and waving guns at protesters, if any march down our cul-de-sac, go down the drain. Likewise, a Democratic Administration will probably look suspiciously at my plan for starting a fake charity to embezzle money from, so I can buy a boat with it, like Steve Bannon did.
Did you notice how good Steve looked when he got out on bail? All that rosacea and crust he usually has on his face, which gives his complexion that varicolored hue that closely resembles the surface of Mars, had vanished. That’s what a boat tan will do for you.
I still don’t have a boat, and a Biden victory will leave me reflecting bitterly that Mexico is never going to buy me one.
My Significant Other, on the other hand, is worried that a Biden win will mean she won’t get to be inspired by Women for Trump leader Becki Falwell, and have the option of boinking the pool boy now that she’s retired, with me having the option to watch. I pointed out that we share a community pool with the rest of the condos, which is cared for by a commercial pool service, so we have more than one pool boy. She said that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.
If Trump somehow loses, when will we again be treated to the spectacle of a convention speech by a Presidential son who is at that very moment resisting a subpoena while proclaiming his dad is all about law and order? All we’ll be left with is drunk Hunter. Maybe he’ll surprise us and come out with his own brand of vodka, made, naturally, in the Ukraine.
That’s about all we can hope for, and that’s not much—a Billy Beer for this century. It will be a bleak future, especially for satirists, if all of his grifters, liars, backstabbers, relatives, cretins and full-on demented loonies follow the Caucasian-in-Chief out the White House door in January and are replaced by earnest policy dweebs who actually want to make the government work instead of starting fights and stuffing their pockets.
I might have to find other work.