The President revealed a new goal for beating the coronavirus over the weekend, which is to let it swallow a hundred thousand or more American lives, after which he will be victorious over the virus and deserving of re-election by popular applause.
Many of us in the fake media were skeptical of this change of long-term outlook, because Trump had previously said the plague was just “one guy from China,” “completely under control,” and “It’ll be over by April,” which started yesterday. Also, we noticed that China, where the epidemic began in as a completely unknown infection and caught their health system pants-down, was likely to end up with many fewer dead.
Even less charitable observers have pointed out that going from “completely under control” to “100,000 dead, 240,000 tops,” cannot really be described as “moving the goalposts.” It’s more like disassembling the goalposts, shooting them to the moon, persuading retired Apollo astronauts to go back up there and re-assemble them, then landing the entire Miami Dolphins football team on the lunar surface so they can miss a crucial, last-second field goal there.
“Apples and oranges,” snorted Dr. Deborah Birx, who has replaced Anthony Fauci as the public health spokesperson for Trump, since Fauci was seen mouthing, “What the fuck is he saying now?” at one of Trump’s daily pressers. “First off, a lot of Chinese have stopped dying because we quit calling COVID-19 the “Chinese virus,” or the “Wuhan virus,” or the “What do you expect from yellow people that eat frigging bats bug?” Some people thought that that was racist, so a lot of Chinese are not dying just to be politically correct.
“Secondly, the Chinese happened to have a lot of masks, face shields and respirators lying around, which we don’t have because of, you know, our freedoms. Plus, Obama. Obama used to give every kid who came to the White annual House Easter Egg Roll a mask and a respirator. You could see those brats leaving the party, each with a bunch of eggs, candy, and a free n95. That’s a big reason stockpiles were dangerously low.
“Sure, we fired the CDC Pandemic Response Team. They were a bunch of slackers. You could go into that office any morning and you could see them high-fiving each other and saying “No pandemics today!” and then just playing Minecraft until it was time to punch out. We replaced them with a guy who used to stage houses for Jared. He’s doing a great job.
“But the main reason we’re going to have to try to hold it to 100,000 dead is—you guessed it—impeachment. You can't expect a President who has to maintain an iron grip on every sweaty set of Republican testicles in the Senate for months on end to pay attention to a mortal threat to public health. So, yes, it was the Democrats fault. But do we hear the lamestream media call it the Pelosi Plague? No.
Plus, the Super Bowl. Nobody was willing to screen visitors from China until the big game was over. Likewise, stockpiling medical equipment, manufacturing tests—we turned down those tests from the WHO because they wanted KC AND points by the way, in return—was just not important in comparison to the Bowl. Then, we had a hangover.
“So, holding the death toll to less than 200 thousand will be an achievement of which this Administration can be proud. In November, I see cheering Americans lining up to vote Trump and eager to invest their dead relative's life insurance money in a resurgent stock market.
“If it turns out to be only 99,000 dead—well, I pity Joe Biden.”
Many of us in the fake media were skeptical of this change of long-term outlook, because Trump had previously said the plague was just “one guy from China,” “completely under control,” and “It’ll be over by April,” which started yesterday. Also, we noticed that China, where the epidemic began in as a completely unknown infection and caught their health system pants-down, was likely to end up with many fewer dead.
Even less charitable observers have pointed out that going from “completely under control” to “100,000 dead, 240,000 tops,” cannot really be described as “moving the goalposts.” It’s more like disassembling the goalposts, shooting them to the moon, persuading retired Apollo astronauts to go back up there and re-assemble them, then landing the entire Miami Dolphins football team on the lunar surface so they can miss a crucial, last-second field goal there.
“Apples and oranges,” snorted Dr. Deborah Birx, who has replaced Anthony Fauci as the public health spokesperson for Trump, since Fauci was seen mouthing, “What the fuck is he saying now?” at one of Trump’s daily pressers. “First off, a lot of Chinese have stopped dying because we quit calling COVID-19 the “Chinese virus,” or the “Wuhan virus,” or the “What do you expect from yellow people that eat frigging bats bug?” Some people thought that that was racist, so a lot of Chinese are not dying just to be politically correct.
“Secondly, the Chinese happened to have a lot of masks, face shields and respirators lying around, which we don’t have because of, you know, our freedoms. Plus, Obama. Obama used to give every kid who came to the White annual House Easter Egg Roll a mask and a respirator. You could see those brats leaving the party, each with a bunch of eggs, candy, and a free n95. That’s a big reason stockpiles were dangerously low.
“Sure, we fired the CDC Pandemic Response Team. They were a bunch of slackers. You could go into that office any morning and you could see them high-fiving each other and saying “No pandemics today!” and then just playing Minecraft until it was time to punch out. We replaced them with a guy who used to stage houses for Jared. He’s doing a great job.
“But the main reason we’re going to have to try to hold it to 100,000 dead is—you guessed it—impeachment. You can't expect a President who has to maintain an iron grip on every sweaty set of Republican testicles in the Senate for months on end to pay attention to a mortal threat to public health. So, yes, it was the Democrats fault. But do we hear the lamestream media call it the Pelosi Plague? No.
Plus, the Super Bowl. Nobody was willing to screen visitors from China until the big game was over. Likewise, stockpiling medical equipment, manufacturing tests—we turned down those tests from the WHO because they wanted KC AND points by the way, in return—was just not important in comparison to the Bowl. Then, we had a hangover.
“So, holding the death toll to less than 200 thousand will be an achievement of which this Administration can be proud. In November, I see cheering Americans lining up to vote Trump and eager to invest their dead relative's life insurance money in a resurgent stock market.
“If it turns out to be only 99,000 dead—well, I pity Joe Biden.”
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