Does Heidi even own a pile of furs to lie around naked on?
In this week's you-can't-make-this-stuff-up news, the man who would follow America's first black President by being our country's first orange President, Donald Trump, got into a spitting fight with the man who would be America's first Canadian President, Ted Cruz, over the qualities of their respective wives.
Cruz, or rather some Cruz confederates that Cruz denies knowing, started it by posting this nude picture of Melania Trump, the Donald's current main squeeze, lying in the buff on one or more animal skins, just to remind the pious voters of Utah that, should Trump make it to the White House, our First Lady would then vault ahead of all the other First Ladies in history combined in the number of times American, and possibly also Canadian, males have performed the solitary sin over her image.
I am pretty sure this statistic is accurate, even though I just made it up.
Trump was outraged at this attack on his sweet thing and promptly unleashed one of his blistering Tweets, threatening to "spill the beans" on Cruz's wife, whose name is Heidi.
What the beans are he has yet to spill, but speculation ran wild. Heidi has been a non-factor in the campaign up to now, an ordinary politician's wife, i.e., a woman who has sold her soul so she can stand next to a man whom she knows without a scrap of doubt to be a bottom-dwelling liar and a prodigious ass-kisser and smile. What could be her hidden secret? Guesses ranged from a sex slave that Cruz purchased with student loan money while he was an impoverished but horny law student, to a party poodle that used to get passed around at Bilderberg meetings, to a transgendered Klingon.
The Donald just today let the other shoe drop, by Twittering out side-by-side photos of Melania and Heidi, with the twin captions "No Need to Spill the Beans" and "An Image is Worth a Thousand Words."
Well, the quote is "A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words." An image hasn't been worth squat since everybody got Photoshop, but there are two conclusions to be drawn here. 1. There are no beans, or if there are, they are like refried beans that have been left to coagulate on the bottom of the pot for a week, which means you have to bang the pot repeatedly on the sink to get them to spill, and when they do, you're sorry you did, because they sprayed all over your shirt.
The other is that Melanie is better-looking than Heidi, and while Trump's critics may point out that this is the sort of mean boasting that happens when dumb guys get trashed at the country club and start insulting each other, prior to getting into a fist fight during which one of them has a heart attack, it is, according to conventional American standards of female attractiveness, true, so possibly the only accurate statement that either Trump or Cruz has made since the campaign began.
Again, the advantage goes to the Donald.
Cruz, or rather some Cruz confederates that Cruz denies knowing, started it by posting this nude picture of Melania Trump, the Donald's current main squeeze, lying in the buff on one or more animal skins, just to remind the pious voters of Utah that, should Trump make it to the White House, our First Lady would then vault ahead of all the other First Ladies in history combined in the number of times American, and possibly also Canadian, males have performed the solitary sin over her image.
I am pretty sure this statistic is accurate, even though I just made it up.
Trump was outraged at this attack on his sweet thing and promptly unleashed one of his blistering Tweets, threatening to "spill the beans" on Cruz's wife, whose name is Heidi.
What the beans are he has yet to spill, but speculation ran wild. Heidi has been a non-factor in the campaign up to now, an ordinary politician's wife, i.e., a woman who has sold her soul so she can stand next to a man whom she knows without a scrap of doubt to be a bottom-dwelling liar and a prodigious ass-kisser and smile. What could be her hidden secret? Guesses ranged from a sex slave that Cruz purchased with student loan money while he was an impoverished but horny law student, to a party poodle that used to get passed around at Bilderberg meetings, to a transgendered Klingon.
The Donald just today let the other shoe drop, by Twittering out side-by-side photos of Melania and Heidi, with the twin captions "No Need to Spill the Beans" and "An Image is Worth a Thousand Words."
Well, the quote is "A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words." An image hasn't been worth squat since everybody got Photoshop, but there are two conclusions to be drawn here. 1. There are no beans, or if there are, they are like refried beans that have been left to coagulate on the bottom of the pot for a week, which means you have to bang the pot repeatedly on the sink to get them to spill, and when they do, you're sorry you did, because they sprayed all over your shirt.
The other is that Melanie is better-looking than Heidi, and while Trump's critics may point out that this is the sort of mean boasting that happens when dumb guys get trashed at the country club and start insulting each other, prior to getting into a fist fight during which one of them has a heart attack, it is, according to conventional American standards of female attractiveness, true, so possibly the only accurate statement that either Trump or Cruz has made since the campaign began.
Again, the advantage goes to the Donald.
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